So let's see. I've been making a lot of YouTube videos lately... if you want to see them click here. Note that a lot of them are potentially quite triggering and/or depressing. But they're pretty accurate in terms of what's been going on in my life lately.

Today when I spoke with my psychologist, she wrote a letter to my family doctor. Basically, my psychologist went to an eating disorders presentation not long ago, and realized that I was supposed to be being followed by a physician to ensure my medical stability. Hence, she made it a requirement to be able to see her that I check with my family doctor about ED-related health issues.

I made the appointment as soon as I got home; it's for tomorrow at 2 PM. I'm really really nervous, especially because this doctor is actually a substitute for my normal doctor, so I have no idea what she's like. However, I'd have had to wait until Monday for an appointment with my normal GP, and I figured it wouldn't be good to make this wait that long. I want to know if anything's wrong with me now. And, I mean, it's not as if my regular doctor won't see the file once she gets back, since it's her particular substitute that will be checking me. I just hope the sub doctor is nice (the receptionist assured me that she was) and knows something about eating disorders. It's embarrassing enough going in with that stuff written on a letter the doctor has to read...

Anyway. Umm. So, clearly, I'm kinda considering recovery. I'm definitely doing what I can to keep myself medically okay -- or, at the least, hopefully not dead. Because, you know, death is bad :|. If I have to be put in a hospital due to medical instability... well, I guess there's really not much I can do about it. I could possibly, depending on the evaluation, elect to go in voluntarily. I'll know more about that when I get evaluated, I guess.

I don't know. I'm so... confused. There's so much in my head right now -- so much I want to do and so many people to talk to (online and offline) and just so much so much so much. It's all whirring through my brain, and I'm pulling at it trying to draw coherent pieces from it. It's hard. I dunno. I think the starvation is getting to my brain, too, a little bit. Oy.

Confused, symptomatic, following a prescribed outline from therapist, riding the wave, afraid, apathetic, biding my time. I can wait. I can wait.