Sometimes I just figure I will die from all this shit eventually. And then I start wondering why I am bothering to try and prolong the inevitable. But then sometimes I think I can actually get better, and I have to keep trying or I never WILL get better.
I am massively ambivalent about recovery, and it's tearing me apart. The self-destructive drive is SO STRONG right now, and yet the side that wants recovery has some strength as well, particularly because that side is being highly supported by M House. If I wasn't here, I can say with fair certainty that the recovery side wouldn't even have a chance. As it is, though, both sides are pulling at me, screaming at me, trying to force me to make a choice, and I haven't got the first fucking clue what to do. All I know is that this may slowly drive me even crazier than I already was.
I have to eat supper soon. :/
4 comments:
I know how hard it is to think about recovery. *hugs* [I've been reading here for a while and not yet commented.]
It helped me to think not about giving up behaviors or Choosing to Recover or having to make a huge difficult drastic change like that...but just trying to trust that with enough work in therapy I would be able to get to the point where I might actually not want the ED anymore - that if I addressed the underlying issues, eventually I wouldn't feel like I needed it anymore. Like, it wasn't about having to choose to give up something I needed, but first and foremost working towards a place where I could believe that I didn't need it.
The problem is that, right now, I'm in a place where I basically DO feel like I have to make that huge, drastic change right now. M house is I guess what you'd call a "sober living house", which means no one can drink or use any kind of drugs here (not that people don't slip), and nobody is allowed to self-harm here either. My ED is another self-destructive behavior just like that, and it's one of the many things I always use to numb out or whatever, and so I HAVE to try and give it up, or there's no point in me being here.
I always used to think like you... you know, that if I solved the underlying issues, eventually I just wouldn't need it anymore. The problem is that the ED isn't my only issue right now. I have a lot of thoughts about self-harm and suicide these days, too, and if I wasn't here I can't say for sure that I' be remotely functional, or even alive, right now. As it is, though, I have this chance to try and improve things -- but that chance now comes with the condition that I have to try and give up this ED thing along with everything else.
It's really, really fucking hard, but I have to at least try. You know?
Tom, I'm not sure how many of my posts it will take for you to understand that my disorder(s) don't come from any sort of reaction to the food itself, but from my own emotional problems. Hasn't that come clear at ALL from reading so many of my posts??
I don't think you properly read a word of my last comment.
Also, saying the same thing to me over and over and expecting it to affect me differently is what they refer to as "insanity".
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