Could be triggering. Contains numbers and such.
A friend had asked, regarding my last post: 'What do you think made things fall so quickly?'
August 22nd, 2009
I'm not sure, really. I do know I've had a feeling this was coming for a long while now. Something was going to give - something was going to snap - and it happened to be this. It still seems safer to me than a lot of other ways I could have snapped. (Like being actively suicidal, slicing myself to shit, etc.)
Weighed myself today, expecting to have gained water weight due to the water I could feel in my limbs, but it turned out I'd lost weight instead. Go figure. The scale read 109.6. And I can't lie -- I was fucking THRILLED. I've been wanting to break the 110s for like a week now. I knew I'd still been losing weight slowly, but it wasn't enough for me. So today made me really, really happy.
I'm getting more and more into "I want ED" mode and less and less into "this scares me a lot and I really want to change" mode. Seeing the numbers drop actually is making me feel accomplished now. On the other hand, I think I'm becoming much more of a hermit, and I skipped a gathering of my friends last night because I knew there would be a meal there and I'd be expected to eat it. However, right now, at least, I don't seem to mind this at all. Dealing with the outside world all the time seems tiring. Staying to myself seems easier -- less stressful, safer. Plus I still have the option of going out if I feel like it. So whatever.
Also, the doctor's office called me on Thursday... apparently my GP wants to discuss my bloodwork with me? But they made sure to say on the phone with my sister (who relayed the message) that it wasn't urgent, so I dunno what that's all about. Maybe I'm anemic or something. Or maybe she just needs info from me that she doesn't have to fill out my ED clinic referral. I don't know. I had an appointment for Monday, anyway, so I guess I'll find out soon.
So a friend wrote about that entry: 'The fact you can see this this wanting the ED more and recovery less is a sign you CAN change things it's positive to be able to recognise it. But you DO need desperately to change things love... '
August 24th, 2009
R, I do know I need to change things... I am simply at a loss regarding what I could possibly do to change anything without completely losing my mind. I don't know why it feels like that's what would happen, but it does, and it's too pervasive a fear to be able to ignore. :S. I do plan to talk to my psychiatrist about this anxiety and the ED stuff when I see him, though, so maybe he'll try to do something to help. Who knows.
So anyway, I went to the doctor's office today, and it turns out that what was wrong with my bloodwork was that my protein was quite high in my urine. However, she had me give another sample while I was there and she redid the protein level using a testing strip, and this time it came out completely normal. She's going to send it to the lab to confirm the finding, but basically she thinks it was just some weird thing that happened that day for whatever reason. She said the fasting I had to do for the bloodwork may have had something to do with it. *shrug*
Everything else in my bloodwork was completely fine. She did send off the referral, but she expects it will take awhile before I hear from them. She did, however, tell me to make sure I mention it to my psychiatrist, as it's possible he could expedite the process a little more. I can't say I'm ridiculously thrilled at the idea of the referral coming through a lot sooner than expected, but I also know that's the ED talking. I still feel like I have so much more fucking weight to lose to be even remotely small, and I want to be small so so badly. I just do not want anyone to try and take it away from me -- probably because it feels like doing this is the only way I can survive mentally right now.
Ugh. So even while I'm ostensibly trying to get help, I'm clinging to ED with every fiber of my being. I'm not losing weight fast enough, and I hate that. Gatherings with my friends all seem to revolve around fucking food, and I hate that too. There's a birthday supper for my friend tonight at a Thai restaurant, a friend I've been hanging out with a lot lately, and I would really love to celebrate her birthday with her, but I CANNOT handle the thought of all that food getting into me and digesting and making me fat fat fat. Another friend, a friend who I actually met at residential and who has anorexia, invited me out to lunch at [restaurant] tomorrow at around noon, and I don't think I'm going to make it to that one, either. It's a shame, because I LOVE [restaurant] (it's a vegetarian/vegan restaurant, and it's pretty tasty), and I know it's very healthy and would be good for me, but I don't think I can do it. I can't handle the idea that I may only maintain my weight that day because I ate a big fucking meal. You know? I just can't. Fucking. Do it. Why is it so much to ask that I be able to hang out with my friends WITHOUT having to eat gargantuan amounts of food? :(
Blah blah blah.
August 27th, 2009
Have been 108.2 for the last two days. Not good enough. But it's never good enough. I'm just so fucking impatient about finally reaching the double digits... I want to get there NOW. But of course I can't :(. So I just have to make sure my food intake is absolutely, positively NEVER enough to gain, or even maintain, my weight. I simply can't tolerate even weight maintenance right now.
My social worker had to cancel my appointment with me today, also, meaning that I've had zero counseling sessions this week (my psychologist is on vacation for a week). Yesterday SUCKED, and I was really looking forward to getting to talk to my SW and getting some stuff out, but I guess whatever powers there be just want me to go crazy this week. -.- Whatever. I'll survive, I'm sure.
Am weak lately. Think blood pressure's probably getting a bit low. Don't care. I need to keep going. To stop now would be to fail completely and utterly, and I cannot take failure anymore. I WILL succeed.
August 28th, 2009
I am STILL 108.2 today. Totally fucking rotted. I HATE plateaus. Makes me feel like even more of a failure to plateau these days, when I'm trying so fucking hard to lose this goddamned weight.
However, the ED clinic called me today. The person I talked to asked me some questions, including a few about ED behaviors, etc, and then told me about how the rest of the referral process is going to work. She's sending the full information package to my GP on Monday at the latest, so she told me I should make an appointment with my GP for mid to late next week. The GP will need to take my vitals, such as blood pressure lying down & sitting up, etc, and also fill out some questions on a form that I need to be there to answer. The program requires an EKG, and I'm not sure if my hospital scans in March will be recent enough, so my GP might have to send me for a bloody EKG as well as the bloodwork she already did -.-. Anyway, once all those forms go through, and provided I'm still medically stable, they will then call me with a date/time for an orientation to the program. My guess is that it will take 2-3 weeks from today, absolute minimum, for this process to be completed. I've also heard the wait list is decently long for the program, so even once all my info has gone in it might be awhile before I hear from them.
So... I dunno. I'm really really glad I have some breathing room, at least, partially because I still don't exactly feel as though this ED is severe enough for such "intensive" help. I need to lose more weight, and SOON. I'm guessing the GP is going to have to weigh me for the form, and so if my appointment is going to be in, say, another week, I need to lose all the weight I can before then. How can I expect them to take me seriously if I don't even take myself seriously? You know? I basically just feel like a failed restrictor right now because my weight isn't even close to low enough (the bulimic symptoms, of course, don't matter a whit to me). And I do realize, in another part of my brain, that the failed restrictor thing is kind of a sick way to think, but too much of me needs this right now to really give a shit how sick it is. I just need to lose the weight, NOW.
I don't know why this gives me comfort, or makes me feel safe. It just... does. It feels like almost the only thing I have right now. That isn't even logically true, but emotionally it feels more and more that way as time passes. And I couldn't even begin to explain why.
August 29th, 2009
So I was 107.4 this morning... yesssss. I'm so happy to finally break my plateau. I managed to get away with not eating much yesterday, even though I went over to my friend M's for yet another craft night. I flat out told N (my gf) that I wasn't eating the pizza, and I actually did bring my own food with me, but I ended up eating one of N's bananas (at her house) and then at M's N brought me a plate of salad, which I had with ranch. Yeah... she's not happy that I'm losing weight, but she gets the whole ED thing, and knew what I would eat, etc, so I guess she just decided to make it for me. She probably had some idea that I likely wouldn't have even eaten that much if she hadn't brought it to me. :| I also had about three cups of coffee yesterday with milk.
Today I have so far had a cup of coffee with 1% milk, a golden delicious apple, Quaker maple and brown sugar oatmeal, and a coffee with maybe a tbsp each of cream and milk. Well, actually, I'm still working on that last coffee, as I'm sitting in [shop] right now with my friend. [shop] is a great coffee shop we have downtown in my city which also has free wireless, not to mention an awesome atmosphere. I really ought to come here more often.
I am not sure if I actually want to schedule my appointment with my GP for late next week (I may not get it at the specific time I want it, anyway) or if I'll just request to see her on Monday or Tuesday during the week of September 7th. I'm starting to realize that the beginning of school is closing in on me much faster than I expected -- September 9th is the first day of classes -- and I may not actually want to have a doctor's appointment the day or two before I go back to uni. On the other hand, I don't really want an appointment sooner if I can get one that's 3 or 4 days later. You know? Decisions decisions.
August 31st, 2009
Today my weight was 106.2; yesterday it was 106.4. I have been wondering if my scale is fucked up, as today when I stood on it it kept flipping back and forth between two not-even-close numbers before settling on one, and did that a few times. I also didn't think the 2lbs-in-two-days loss was actually accurate, considering my three day plateau before that. But maybe it is. Anyway, I really WANT to believe my scale, so I think I will. Haha. This means that my BMI is, as of right now, 18.5. :D. The last time I had a BMI this low was around October or November of 2006... it's been a fucking LONG time! I have to admit I'm happy to see numbers like that.
Of course, I have no intentions of trying to maintain anytime soon, either. I still look very "normal" to myself. Objectively speaking, I do have a much higher body fat percentage right now than the last time I was at this weight. My boobs are still a small B cup, and I still have fat on my stomach, tops of my thighs, ribcage, and even a bit on my arms. However, the "tags" on the insides of my upper arms have almost completely gone away, which makes me happy. I figure that in another 5-10 lbs I might actually start looking thin. We will see when I get there, I suppose.
Made my doctor's appointment today, as well -- it's on Thursday at 3:10 PM. The ED clinic said the forms would get to her by today at the latest, so they'd better be there when I go for my appointment. I do NOT want to have to spend an hour on the bus for nothing. :@
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