My weight just keeps climbing... due to water retention, I think. Even if I'm keeping more in from b/ps, I KNOW I'm not eating enough to gain real weight. I took lax yesterday, to be "cleaned out" for the doctor today, and instead of losing anything, I GAINED .4 lbs. So today I'm at 97.2, which just means I'm even more hideous and disgusting and fat.

Okay, fine, so my weight doesn't sound objectively fat. But I've put on 2 lbs in about 5 days (and at least some of it is water), and my bulimia is getting more out of control, and I just feel like shit in general. I don't really know why I'm not suicidal, but I'm not, so apparently there is nothing I can do about this. Not that I'd've been able to do anything anyway, probably, since I always fucking tell on myself.

And actually, if I'm being honest, I don't truly want to die. But living this way gets harder and harder by the week. Yet I can't stop... because I can't get FAT. I can't get fat a-fucking-GAIN. I'm so done with that bullshit. I'm done with all the world's bullshit, really. Yet that is all the world seems to be, so I am left going nowhere, and doing nothing in my life except starving and binging and purging.

If only I cared just a little bit more. Ha.