So I've had a very sudden (or seemingly sudden) change of mind: I'm trying to start eating again. By which I mean regularly, and "enough". Yesterday was the first day of it; I know I managed to keep in a lot more cals than usual, though I don't actually know my exact cal count. Maybe close to 1500 or so? That estimate could be off by hundreds, as I ate a lot just before I went to bed, and don't really know the cals of all of it, etc.

Today so far I've had breakfast, which was 469 cals, and just now I had "lunch", which was 326 cals. My "lunch" was a sandwich on whole wheat with a bunch of toppings (including cheese), which I had honestly thought was a lot more cals than it was -- my total is just under 800, when I figured it was more like 900-1000. I guess this is why it's a decent idea to keep track of my food intake on a website or on Notepad (right now I'm using MyPlate): I can't trick myself into thinking I've eaten more than I have, or less. Not to mention I can keep track of stuff like sodium, protein, and fiber, which is useful. I've had quite a lot of protein today, actually... 39g so far. Some of it was from the bread I've had, though. I've eaten 4 slices of it so far today. Oh well -- it helps me get in my calories, and I certainly wasn't getting nearly enough grains before, AND the bread is whole wheat. So I'm not going to beat myself up about that.

Weight today was 98.6; yesterday it was 98. Since the day before that it was 96.4, I know that the weight "gain" is not real weight, but more likely food and water weight from actually eating again. That being said, though, I know this weight won't "go away" as long as I'm eating normally, since is the normal pound or two humans always have in them from actually eating and being hydrated. I'm surprised by how little I'm freaking out about it.

Then again, there is a pretty strong something in my head right now telling me that this is the right thing -- that eating is a good thing to do right now. Whatever that self-destructive/suicidal thing was in my head that made me restrict before seems to have vanished into thin air. I honestly, truly attribute this to my meds. I've noticed that while I'm in the process of falling back into major depression, I also get a serious increase of suicidal ideation, to the point that I really want to do it, my whole life seems hopeless, etc etc. And I have always said that in order to restrict severely I had to have a death wish. So now that the death wish is gone, apparently I may be capable of normalizing my intake again. It does make sense.

I know that bulimia won't go away nearly as easily as this, however, because for me bulimia is as natural as breathing, and has been from the first time I purged. The binging stems from emotional things, and the purging is something I feel to be a necessary response to such binging, so I don't see it stopping anytime soon. It would take a lot more than a simple balanced meal plan to fix that part of it. But whatever... I've had bulimia for years, and I'm used to it. It's the restriction that always desperately interferes with my life when it gets really strong, and the restriction I need to fix before I can do anything else with my life. So I guess it's better that I'm trying to do that now.

Wish me luck, I guess... and pray that this isn't just another "phase" of my eating disorder.