I wish I could c/p my handwritten journal entry from last night... haha. But basically I have my "big" interview with the psychiatrist today, and I'm basically nervous as fuck about it. I'm afraid of misdiagnosis; I'm afraid he won't want to put me on the Lamictal as my own psychiatrist recommended; I'm afraid that he'll put me on the ED protocol, and I'm also afraid that he won't. Really, there seems to be no winning in any of this. I'm also afraid of being discharged before I'm actually ready. If I went back to my life today, absolutely nothing would be different, and I know it would probably be sooner rather than later that I ended up back in the same headspace that brought me here.

I'm... not eating much again. I tried to eat more for a day or two, but I just can't handle it. ED is in absolute control and freaks the FUCK out if I break its rules. So I'm not going to try to break the rules anymore. I just can't challenge ED when I'm being given zero support to help me do so. I tried, and I really, truly can't do it. :/

So... there it stands with me as of now. I'll talk to the psychiatrist later on today sometime... no idea when. Not like it really matters. More time before it happens means more time when I don't have to think about it happening. I'm all right with that.

I feel like this little red dude: