Eating. Trying to recover... slowly. If I do it too fast I will freak out. Last time I checked my weight it was ~94, and may have increased since then. I don't know. I am loathe/scared to find out. I don't want to freak out about the food I'm eating, because by a dietician's standards it probably still isn't enough, especially because I'm pretty sure they're going to want me on a weight gain plan eventually, and I'm not sure I'm actually doing that yet. I mean, to me I feel like I'm eating quite a lot of food, and I HAVE gained at least 2-3 lbs, so to me this still feels like a weight gain plan. Plus I think I've been eating more in the last couple of days, as I will get up at like 8 AM, eat something, then go back to sleep... then get up and have the "meals" I was already having. So there are some extra calories already.

I feel okay about this... for now. Tomorrow I am supposed to get the call with whether or not I am going to be offered a spot at HOPE. I had the RMI, and generally speaking I think I passed it, although there were a couple of questions that weren't so great or that I probably did not pass. But I'd say I passed at least 80% of them. So they can't really deny me entrance to the program... can they??? I don't know. I really hope not. I really think I need the support if this is to continue. One of my main issues is that I hate being alone, recovering alone, and then having everyone think I'm doing JUST FINE!!! because I look fine from the outside. I have absolutely no intentions of ever doing that again. If I'm going to gain weight and look "normal" again, I want support, because otherwise it will just be too painful to deal with and sooner or later I will fall back into ED. Partly maybe because I would wilfully want it, but also partly just because I'd be terrified of having to deal with anything in my life without it.

So there you have it... an update. I just noticed I hadn't posted anything in awhile, so I figured I'd write something.