Very short background to this post: I was admitted to the gen hosp psych ward very early Friday morning because I was very suicidal, so this is my third day on the unit.


Just finished my second breakfast in two days... I feel terribly bloated and fat. It was a cheese omelette (2 eggs & equiv about 1 thin slice cheese), a banana, half a cup of 1% milk, and then my decaf coffee with whitener and milk in it. I feel more guilty about the coffee than anything else... I shouldn't be letting myself have whitener that comes to 45 cals for ONE tablespoon. That's the way you're gonna get fat, Niika, the anorexia voice taunts in my head. All those extras. Not to mention all that FOOD. And you're not even on protocol. You disgusting, horrible pig.

It's a constant presence in my head, that voice... I feel very much like the ED is controlling me now, rather than me controlling it. I'm walking slowly up and down the one hall obscured from general nursing view and the girl here who's actually on protocol and is sitting down eating right now... not to get rid of cals so much as to try and keep my mind off this awful sense of fullness. Doing something else that involves my body detracts from the stomach sensations. And if I concentrate too much on how full I am, breakfast is going to go down the toilet just like supper did last night :/.

I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS ALONE. I shouldn't have to do this alone!! It's not that I want to be on protocol... I hate protocol too... but my ED is terrible right now and I've told the nursing staff this multiple times, but they don't seem to care at all. And then last night the nurse was all "but [the ED] is not what you're here for". This same nurse, by the way, was the one I told last night that the ED feeds into and partly causes my depression, so if they actually want to adequately treat my mood disorder they have to treat the ED too. But nobody fucking listens around here.

Tbh I'm starting to panic now. I might have to go get Ativan. This is just too much... too much to deal with alone... but I feel horridly guilty for purging. Plus I actually told them last night that I purged, so now they might pay more attention if I'm in a bathroom with water running. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE I HATE THIS SHIT.