Did my first "week" of ED IOP Monday and Tuesday of this week, then had a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday... when I remembered today that this weekend is a long weekend (meaning I have a holiday on Monday from IOP) I was SO glad!!! Being at IOP was incredibly hard. It made me angry to be there, and then I would get ridiculously anxious after groups or meals, only to come home and crash into a drained, extremely empty depressive state. But now that I've not had groups or meal supports or any other sort of therapizing for a couple days, and have done some fun things, I sort of feel like my head's back on a little better... if that makes sense.

I don't know what I weigh right now. Last time I weighed myself was over a week ago, the day of my psychology assessment; that day I was 98.2 lbs. I'm kind of afraid to get on the scale now; but, more than that, I find myself partly not even caring what the number is (!!). I think this is because I know I'm likely to freak out at whatever number I see at this stage, and not caring is an easy thing to default to when in truth I really just don't WANT to care... and can't afford to think about that sort of shit if I'm going to be able to stay in recovery.

I still feel that this body is fat fat fat. Ginormous. Monstrous. Huge. The list could go on and on. And eating is still mostly a chore, and often something I hate doing; but the hatred seems to be easing off, if only slightly, and there are times when I do somewhat enjoy my meals or snacks. The trick is to just KEEP GOING. That is so important right now. The dieticians would call it mechanical eating. I call it just not letting ED's opinion affect what I am determined to do, which is to get my life back... even if it means having to eat regularly. I still dislike eating so much that this is still the way I see it. But I want my life back, GODDAMNIT, and I'm going to GET my fucking life back and ED can have a punch in the goddamned fucking FACE. And then screw off. Because I don't want to fucking listen to him/it anymore.