(Ranty type thing ahead)

Ugh... yesterday and today were harder than things have been for awhile... people in my IOP treatment place talking about the millions of treatment centers they've been to, making me think I'm not good enough, I'm not sick enough... and then friends who are basically in full-out relapse mode, making me think "well if they can do it I can do it too"... and just not wanting to feel feelings, and all sorts of other shit. I need to quiet this stupid ED for good but I don't know how to do it. It seems like the more I eat, the more brain power I get, the louder ED gets because I start remembering everything from my past and I get triggered by stupid things like this and then I want to just restrict again. AAAAGH I don't even know