I don’t know where I stand anymore.

Life is stressful and upsetting, and I’m starting to hate everything. Also I’ve gained weight, and I can see it, and also had it verified today on my aunt’s scale. I destroyed mine, but I can’t seem to stay off other people’s if they have them on display in their washrooms. For all these reasons, and probably more, ED really wants back in.

My debate and problem now will be: Should I let it? Or should I continue to eat, and live in misery for god knows how long?

Everything small or medium that happens to me blows up into a major thing. So every major thing, of course, is catastrophic. My emotions go up and down freely, and I have no way to control the swings they have. I am angry at almost everything and everyone, most particularly authority figures, all the negative -isms and -phobias, all the injustices in the world, and all the horrible things that happen on this planet. It’s a lot to be angry about, and so I’m hells of angry much of the time. But I also hurt so easily, and, again, what would be small things to other people blow up much bigger for me. Every emotion I have gets magnified times fifty compared to “normal” people. How am I supposed to live with this constant roller coaster — which, when it lets up, leads me either into a frenzied anxiety or a really shitty-feeling depression?

I don’t know how to fucking cope, and I never did. That’s my problem now; it has always been my problem; I don’t know how to make it not my problem.

I need help, but I won’t accept what I’ve been offered.
What I’ve been offered is inadequate.
The only person I have to rely on is me.

I don’t know if I can rely on me.