Cravings. My stomach, grumbling. My cheeks tingling at the thought of that food. Restlessness. It's taking all I have not to get out of this chair and pull out one of my Slimfast bars, to eat half. I may actually do that in a bit -- I don't know. All I had to eat today, before now, was a turkey deli from Subway with a bit of light mayo on it. Less than 300 calories all totalled, which isn't bad, considering.

This weekend I did pretty horribly -- I'm not gonna lie. I kept reaching out for little tidbits of junk food that I did NOT need, and we were eating out all the time cause it was vacation, so I ate more meals in front of people than usual (meaning I have to eat normally to keep my cover). One of the meals was chicken strips and fries, too. The really galling part about that, though, was that it tasted so fucking GOOD. My intestines absolutely hated me for it afterwards... I had such bad stomach muscle cramps that I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain... but it tasted amazing. Here I was, thinking that I'd lost my taste for fried and fatty foods, but I haven't lost it at all. I just managed to subliminate it for awhile.

Well, damn you, tingly cheeks and cravings for fat! You're not getting what you want!! I already ate too much fucking food this weekend -- I do NOT need more.

On the up side, though, those new jeans that I bought maybe a month ago are already so huge that they're falling off me. And the thigh, which used to be clingy, is now really loose around. The real problem is that my thigh looks exactly the same to me. I stretch out the jeans and think, "Oh my god... my thighs were that big? Wtf?" And even then I still can't see the change in my thighs. They look exactly the same to me. Which would be too fat, and fairly gross. Similar to most of the rest of my body. But that's okay.

My cousin told me this morning that I was at the "perfect weight" -- "you're not too skinny or too big". I smiled a bit, but felt vaguely bad at the same time. What would she say if she knew I was nowhere near finished yet? My mom, too, said something the other day about how she thinks this is a good size for me. My response, in my head, went something like: "This? I've got fat hanging off me everywhere! You call THIS a good size?" But I didn't say that. I just nodded and went on.

The funny part, though, is that my mom caters to my new "healthy eating" habits, like always buying me fruit and letting me go to Subway when everyone else is going to McDonald's. She also hasn't been bugging me to eat when I express a disinterest in eating. Now, if my mom knew about the disordered eating, this last item would change quickly and dramatically; but it's not as if she could force me to eat, y'know. I am twenty years old. Not a fucking thing she can do if I decide I don't want to eat the suppers she or my father cook.

Wow... this is a long entry. I didn't expect to have so much to say. I've just been giving food/calories/weight far too much thought lately. (I say that like it hasn't been true since mid April). I can't help wondering what will happen as this continues on. One thing I can hope for, at least, is that I won't be forced into treatment... *gags*. I do NOT want that to happen.