Why is it that despite reading about people's medical complications and deaths from eating disorders, I can't fucking stop? Why this drive to be thin thin thin? Why this self-starvation? What the fuck is it proving? How quickly I can lose weight? How quickly I can lose health? Or just how pathetic and fucked-up I really am?

Jesus, girl. You really are a stupid idiot. No wonder no hospital wants to treat you. You're just an attention-seeking shit and you always will be. And the biggest problem is that not even people like your psychologist or psychiatrist really care about you -- they just try to treat you because you show up to appointments and they get paid for it. Your friends hardly go places with you. Your family doesn't even give a shit if you sit locked in your room all day. You might as well accept it. NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

It's amazing to me that I'm not suicidal these days. I know that I could be, though, if certain things changed. Should I or should I not hope these things change? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.