Some eating disorder questions answered

MamaVision, the other day, made the following comment to me: "Hi Niika: Thanks for your comments. Can you elaborate on why you choose to restrict? Is it a choice?

"You say the number on the scale and the food manipulation is the important thing for you- why?

"Finally, you state that the thinspiration images validated for you your desire to restrict your food intake. In what why did these images validate this for you- are you saying it made you feel less guilty about doing it or am I not understanding this point?"

Here were my responses.


Okay... NOVEL TIME!! Ha. But seriously... this is really long. Sorry about that. I just have this need to explain things fully.

I think I do choose to restrict -- or, at the very least, it was definitely a deliberate choice at the beginning. I have thought about WHY I decided to restrict a lot, and I think there were a few things involved... it wasn't any single thought process.

1. I was overweight (BMI 28.5) and wanted to lose weight. However, I am a very impatient person, and so if I could do it fast I wanted to do it fast. When I found some pro-"ana" communities which talked about restricting to under 500 calories a day, and some of the weight loss successes they'd had with such restriction, I decided to try it. So, partially, it was a bit of a crash diet.
2. Unconsciously, I was looking for a new coping mechanism. I had just been in the hospital, where they'd forbidden me to self-injure, and if I had they'd have discharged me right away. Not wanting to be discharged, I had fearfully stopped cutting myself. But that need for control was not to be so easily dismissed. Restriction seemed, at first, like an "easy" way to still have control, while at the same time not doing that unacceptable self-mutilation "thing".
3. Restriction gave me something to focus on that wasn't my own depression or other "bad" feelings I had. Later on, the starvation effect really muted my emotions, which was an effect I loved. It may be worthwhile to note that I had previously been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and for me the main manifestation of that is really INTENSE emotions about EVERYthing. It had gotten me into trouble in the past (cutting, ODs, hospitals, etc etc); so when I got a chance to get rid of it, I jumped at it. Wouldn't you?

The number on the scale and the food manipulation have to do with that same control thing, as well as almost being a sort of obsessive-compulsive thing for me these days. If I don't allow my calories to go "too high", I am able to temporarily self-soothe, but when I cannot count my calories I feel very unsettled and agitated. Previously I had experienced this same sort of situation based around my weight every morning; but I weaned myself off that, and in its place got EXTREMELY obsessive with the food.

As for the thinspiration, you've understood perfectly. Thinspiration gave me this clear message: "It is okay to want to be too thin, because all these women in the media are too." When I was less psychologically vulnerable, I really thought all that was complete schlock, BS, whatever word you want to use... but when I suddenly NEEDED this coping mechanism and this control, and WANTED weight loss, thinspiration was there, waiting to fill the holes in my mind and spirit.