I don't know what it is, exactly, but these last few days I've been irritable as fuck. The whole drama-on-proanorexia thing has just served to make things way worse, especially as I'm so used to going to proanorexia for support, and now it's suffering from the aftereffects of all the distrust and conflict. I get so, so extremely angry when I see anything hinting at either of those things that I have just had to take myself away from the situation. It's bad enough that I can't escape my family members annoying the fuck out of me; it's worse when one of my favorite online communities does the same thing. I just can't handle it right now. Can't can't can't.

I can't help wondering if it's got something to do with my extremely strange sleep cycles over this last little while. Until the day before yesterday, I was essentially sleeping through most of the day and early evening and staying awake all night; then I was awake for almost 24 hours, after which I began my current cycle of going to bed in the early- to mid-evening and sleeping until early morning. I could still be suffering the aftereffects of that switch, I guess. All I know is that half the time I really feel like I'm about to freaking LOSE it and there never seems to be a situational trigger.


On the ED side, I had a rather... erm... unsuccessful b/p yesterday morning, resulting in me not eating for the rest of the day, as whatever food remained allowed me to function for the WHOLE day without even getting a single craving. Some might say this is good; but to me it was just rubbing it in that for the first time in my purging career I was not able to get the food out of me. This morning I ate more than I wanted to, but at least I didn't b/p, I guess; I did, however, b/p tonight at suppertime, because we had spaghetti and meatballs for supper and I was like, "Fuck it. I want ice cream, so I might as well have a bloody meal too." I ended up eating a large plate of spaghetti, a large bowl of ice cream, a large bowl of cereal (plus the several handfuls I'd had before the spaghetti), and a handful of chocolate chips.

My friend called from Homewood right after I had finished my binge, ironically enough, so I ended up pacing my room for half an hour with it stuck in me, distending my stomach. All I have to say is that I'm glad I have minimal stomach acid (due to my reflux pill, which I need for my GERD) and delayed gastric emptying... I got at least 90% of it out, and none of what came out was even partially digested. Maybe I should be worried that my body doesn't digest food well anymore; but it's hard to be worried when you're ten times more petrified of absorbing all those calories than you are of purging them out. In some perverse way, I am pleased that my body is "trained" so well that I can wait half an hour to an hour before purging and still have all the food come out practically whole. I shouldn't be, but god help me, I am.