I don't really know what to do anymore.

I am so stressed out lately. Often I want to cry at the littlest, stupid things, or over nothing at all. Everything feels completely overwhelming. And, what's more, I feel like the world's biggest dunce when it comes to school -- like I don't understand anything the way I'm supposed to, and unless I drive myself to work and work and work I will fail everything. I feel like I'm always on the brink of losing my grip on my courses and completely fucking up everything. Trying to get everything done, study as much as I need to, learn as well as humanly possible the material I have trouble with, trying to get the best grades I can possibly get -- it's too strenuous. I feel like I am going to explode soon... hemorrhage all over everything. Somehow the bleakness and blackness is going to come spurting out of me, and I won't be able to rein any of it in anymore, and I'll collapse in a heap on the floor and everybody will stop and stare at my twitching, slumping mess. Or, worse, simply step over it and move on with their lives... forget that it's even there, or ever was there.

I have actually started considering going to the counselling center at the university yet again. Coming from me, this is kind of a big deal, because I've been swearing since I went back to school that I was never setting foot in that fucking place again. I wanted to be done with therapy. I thought I was done with therapy. I never wanted to have anything more to do with that bullshit again (almost none of the therapists around here do anything that's not CBT, and to me CBT = bullshit). And yet... here I am, contemplating it. I have at least one particular issue on top of the anxiety that I can think of that needs tackling, an issue that I don't want to discuss here; but the point is that I don't know how long I can go on functioning the way I am. If you can call it functioning. I don't think that this way of living is the way people are generally supposed to live. Most people aren't constantly anxious and tormented by some strange unnameable soul-searing pain. Are they?

So, basically, all my fucked-up-ness is coming back stronger and stronger, and I have no idea how much longer I can control it... or if can even be controlled anymore.

Fuck.