I finished making my 1/2 bagel with cream cheese and coffee, and I had just picked it up to leave the kitchen when I felt the oddest kind of vertigo. It was like there was something buzzing on the left side of my head, and it kept trying to make me lean to that side. When I walked a few steps it felt like my body was trying to make me walk sideways.

I can't figure out if I'm just dehydrated, or if maybe my electrolytes are fucked a bit these days, or what. I always seem to be tired or dizzy or orthostatic. I'd be more likely to say dehydrated, since I seem to have issues with hydration these days, but I get scared about potassium and shit. Last day or two my heart's been doing weird things, like beating REALLY hard and fast in the shower, or seeming to randomly speed up or get stronger for a couple dozen seconds. But then I think that maybe my anxiety's just being a bitch again, and starting to give me new-old physical symptoms. I don't know.

I'm probably going to Wal-Mart in the next hour or two, to shop for the rest of my Christmas presents, and I've been looking up the lowest-cal sandwiches on the McDonald's website, because I know I'll probably go there for a tidbit after I'm done. Surprisingly, the regular hamburger is one of the lowest-cal options, at 250. The grilled chicken snack wrap is also the same calories. I think the next lowest options were some other kinds of snack wrap... maybe the ones with breaded chicken, etc? The caesar chicken one was okay, too. Apparently the grilled buffalo chicken wrap is 240, but if I eat that thing my mouth will burn off. So I guess it's either a chicken wrap or a hamburger for me. I'll decide which one I feel more like having when I get there and have shopped for awhile. Or something.

I am scared of healthy eating, intuitive eating, eating to maintain my weight. I do not want to be this fat anymore, and I'm terrified of the idea of getting any fatter. So it really doesn't feel like I have that much of a choice anymore about keeping track of my food, counting calories, etc etc. I feel that if I do not do this NOW, I never will. And I'm very afraid of the idea that I will never ever get this extra weight off me. I need to get it off me.