Somehow I am tolerating life right now. I think it's just because I'm b/ping all the freaking time, and also getting a little more scared about what I'm eating. Everything seems like too much. Especially full meal plan compliance. I'm not quite sure how this recovery thing is going to work.

My depression/dysthymia is acting up a bit lately, I think. My memory kind of sucks a little. I want to sleep a lot more. Not so many things actually interest me. My level of apathy is fairly astounding lately, in fact. That being said, though, there are also times when the anxiety hits me, anxiety because of feeling empty and lonely, or overwhelmed by all the things I'm supposed to do, and I never know how to deal with it. Never, that is, except for when I use ED. I seem to use ED to deal with, well, every feeling ever. Which is not productive.

Then again, I am unproductive. Boring. Listless. Lost. Unmotivated. There is a big void inside me; my life is a big void. I am trying to put things in it, but it is like lining the bottom of a tall, round vase with a thin layer of sand. There's something there, and the vase won't fall over, but the hollowness around and in it is massive and cannot be ignored. And I simply do not have any more sand.