Written yesterday.


Ballooning. Scale today said 113. BMI of that would be 19.5. I guess it's possible that I'm retaining water, as I've been b/ping at least 2-3 times a day for the last week or more, but not much of it is water. I'm just getting fat.

Funny thing is, I hardly care. I seem to not care about so much these days. I just have this little blank void-ish thing going on, and I seem to be... not content with that, but not fighting it, either. Content would not be an appropriate word to describe how I feel about anything in my life these days, but nor am I ridiculously upset. I guess I am keeping myself in a very neutral, rather emotionless spot with all this b/ping.

However, I feel like there's some kind of emotional tidal wave beneath all this, which would overwhelm me if I stopped b/ping... which is why I don't stop b/ping. Last night I resisted an urge to eat, not even for a very long time, and all at once anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. Don't ask me why not being able to eat would cause such a reaction. All I know is that I don't feel I can handle any such reactions, and so I don't even try to. I just give in to all my food urges, which always involve eating massive quantities of either salty or sweet junk foods. And then I purge when I get hideously full, to avoid getting sick, to avoid gaining weight. Not that the avoiding gaining weight plan seems to be working very well... but I can't imagine where my weight would be right now if I was keeping all this shit IN. Doesn't bear thinking about.

So... yay for non-emotional states? I dunno. I feel very dry and blah. But I'm sure soon enough what I'm doing will no longer be sufficient to stem the tidal wave, and I will begin to suffer again. Already there are tiny cracks in the armor. And once that happens I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but I doubt it will be anything pretty.