Thought I'd post some journal entries from the other site I update to, as they will explain pretty well where I am right now in terms of ED.


January 4th, 2010

Wish I could say I was facing my issues right now. I suppose I'm not.

On Saturday I was 109.4 lbs. Today: 109.6. This puts me at a BMI of about 18.9. I am pretty unimpressed by the fact that I managed to gain two fucking pounds over Christmas, even though, aside from one or two days, I didn't feel like I actually ate a ginormous amount. I wonder if it was the change to a lot of sugary calories that did it. I've always suspected that my weight does unspeakable things where sugar is involved. I swear I need to follow a practically diabetic diet not to gain weight from sugar. It fucking rots me, because I have a sweet tooth, and intuitively I seem to want to eat a lot of carbs, and sweet things. So when I follow my intuition I gain weight. Is it any wonder I'm afraid to follow my damned intuition?

I know this weight gain is supposedly "healthy" and all that, but it doesn't feel healthy. It just makes me feel fat. Pretty soon I'm going to gain even more weight and not even fit in my clothes anymore (even though I have other, bigger clothes), and then I'm not just going to feel fat... I'm going to BE fat. I am so tired of being motherfucking FAT. WHY is it that every time I eat "normally" I get fucking fat??? Aaaaaaagh.

I'm just tired of it. I want my 107 lbs back. Maybe I could just stay there instead of dropping 5 or 6 lbs below. Body doesn't like that so much. But maybe it could like 107. I don't want it to like 109. I can't fathom it liking anything higher. Very soon I will no longer be considered "skinny" or "small" by my stats. And I want to be small in EVERY way. Not just in what people see. I want the numbers to work too.

WHY do I always have to weigh more than I look? Why can't I just have a more normal body type?

*head explodes*


January 5th, 2010

Had appointment with dietician today. I've been ridiculously triggered by this weight gain -- have wanted to go off the meal plan a lot. We kind of agreed that maybe I could do something midway between restricting and the old, full meal plan I was doing. I don't really know what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.

I'm ridiculously anxious today. Like, so anxious I feel sick. Part of it has to do with a situation with the guy who just moved in above me... he's a night owl and is always walking around above my head at like 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and his footsteps are LOUD. I tried to go to sleep last night, and it took about one step for me to come right awake again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get any sleep until very late if he can't stop the heavy footsteps. I've already talked to him about it, but I know he's going to forget intermittently, and then what am I supposed to do? There are nights when I have to sleep far earlier than those hours... before therapy and stuff like that. I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with that noise. The guy who used to live above me must have had extremely light footsteps -- in any event, I never heard him walking around. This guy I hear ALL the fucking time. How am I supposed to get used to that?? I've never been able to sleep when random loud noises jar me awake. Even the earplugs don't block it out enough.

I mean, fuck. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now my sleep is threatened. And it just makes my anxiety sky-high, which makes me want to eat "enough" even less. I guess I do know that this apartment anxiety has nothing to do with the ED anxiety; but I hate the way this all feels. Hate it hate it hate it. And I don't see how I can escape from it. I am trying to tell myself that all things have an end -- maybe I could get a unit upstairs if someone moved out, maybe this guy will be able to get quieter, that sort of thing -- but I just don't know. Ugh.


To this a friend replied, in part: This can be something good love. You can do it. We're here for you..


January 6th, 2010

Three (basically complete) meals. One snack. I can do that. I think. I think I have to do that much, or my body will probably revolt. I don't want to start mad b/ping again, or even have cravings for mad b/ping. I am just having a really f***ing tough time with the food right now, and the weight gain. I'm still fairly healthy with this meal plan. Not FULLY healthy, but not super completely restrictive, either. I'm going to have to make do with this for now.

And thanks so much, R, for your support... it means a lot to me. I think I CAN do this, and I WILL do it... I just have to figure out a way to deal with my body first. I guess I'm being a little stubborn, but I simply can't deal with feeling like my weight is going to spiral out of control. So rather than losing weight, maybe I can at least decrease what I eat enough to maintain, or not gain much. I don't really know what my body will decide to do, to be honest. I just have to attempt to arrest this all somehow, for now, and see what happens. Tomorrow is a weigh-day (I do Mondays and Thursdays), so I guess at least I'll know then what the weight's doing. Not that I think I'll like it, whatever it is... but I have to know nonetheless. Not knowing at all is scarier to me than not liking what I see on the scale.


In reply to this, a friend then said: You know Niika you have made such good progress perhaps you could speak with your dietician to see about a meal plan that might help - for a temporary basis - to maintain? Rather then fiddling with the meal plan yourself it might be better to speak with and work with someone.


January 8th, 2010

Well, the dietician was the one who suggested that maybe I could do some sort of compromise between the full meal plan and going completely back to what I was doing... restricting binging purging. You know. And I don't really want to go back to what I was doing, either. I just can't deal with the weight continually increasing right now. I just can't. Not enough internal resources.

Was 109.6 again today when I weighed, so at least it's staying the same. Which is a comfort. My full ED instinct would be to lose the couple of lbs I gained over Christmas, but I'm at least trying to fight that one. Trying to not let it all go downwards, the way the disorder is kind of tugging at me to do. Just because it tugs at me doesn't mean I have to listen to it. But I don't want to send myself into an anxious, suicidal-y freakout state by forcing myself to do the full meal plan, either, and I fear that's what would happen. So I guess I'm putting the brakes on, to a degree, but I do think that's better than completely backpedalling. Right?

And, well, the b/ping is a separate issue, I guess. Been doing it at least once a day for the last few days. Have basically only purged binge food, at least, so I kept all the other stuff in. The problem is that I keep having urges to do it. It's really bloody annoying, to be honest. I don't necessarily WANT to do it, but my body is apparently too used to the old, full meal plan to let me get away easily with the lesser one. Oh well. I will deal with it, resist the urges, whenever possible.

I have an appointment with the psychologist from the ED clinic tomorrow. I guess she'll be doing the psychological assessment that day. She said I'd be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. So we'll see what happens. I had been at a point for awhile where I wasn't sure if I needed the clinic at all, but I think the happenings in the last week, with my weight and body image and all that business, have convinced me that maybe I need to do this. I'm sure I'll get a chance to explain at least some of that to the psychologist tomorrow, anyway. I'm trying not to overanalyze it the way I would like to do. I'm just going to let it be whatever it's going to be, and if I need their help then maybe I need it, and if I don't I'm sure they'll tell me. But maybe I do. Maybe I do.


January 16th, 2010

Had the psychology appointment. Didn't really do that much -- she just took some of my psychological history and whatnot. As psychologist interviews go, it was quite brief (maybe 45 mins) and "standard". Didn't feel too probed into. Had to talk about shit I didn't really want to talk about, like my history of suicide attempts, SI, etc, but that's pretty much inevitable. The ED clinic is gonna have to know all that sort of stuff if they're gonna treat me properly.

Been in a very very bulimic mode for the last... I dunno, week maybe? Been b/ping consistently at nighttimes. Been buying tons of binge food, going through an average of a 2L of diet soda a day, all that sort of shit. It's funny -- you'd think I'd be tired of this -- but I'm not. My motivation for stopping is pretty nil right now, if I'm being honest. It's not that I want to live my life forever as a bulimic -- it's just that bulimia seems so natural, so inevitable. It's just the way I have to operate day-to-day. It's just something I do. It doesn't feel like any sort of self-killing, life-changing thing... it's just there. It just is what it is. I dunno.

Haven't had a call from ED clinic from the dietician. That's the next step in this process. That, and I have to finish filling out the forms I was given. I already filled out the eating disorder inventory, but there's an inventory of mood/psychiatric symptoms that I have yet to fill out, and also some quality of life doodad. I haven't felt like filling either one of those out yet, so I've been putting it off. I figure whenever a dietician bothers to call me about an appointment will be plenty of time. Not like I won't be able to find a minute to do them. I'm pretty free these days.

So life continues along with bulimia, and I am apparently no different than I ever was.