95.7. A real weight this time, not necessarily just dehydration from lax. Yesterday I was 95.8.

Nothing interests me anymore. Nothing that used to be fun is fun anymore. I don't want to be on the computer, don't want to play games, don't want to watch TV. Barely even want to read, but since it's the only thing I can do while lying in bed I give in and read -- sometimes. Literally all I want to do is sleep. I'm waiting for some dude to show up and fix my storm door (it doesn't shut right and creaks really loudly when opened) and after that I might go back to bed. Again.

I've been abusing my benzos and adding stuff like sleep aids so I will sleep instead of being awake. I can't stand being awake, especially after I had this massive fight with my sister over IM which ended with her washing her hands of me and me saying "good riddens". If any of you wants to read the conversation, it's at xyxy and the password is ****. Anyway, if you do read it, you can clearly understand why I can't forgive THAT anytime soon, or easily... so I doubt we'll be speaking for a very long time. And once I got over my anger about the whole thing, it did make me sad. And it only adds to my litany of reasons to not want to do anything, to not want to be on this planet anymore, to not want to exist anymore.

I just wish I didn't fucking exist. Everything would be so much easier then. And evidently not just for me.