Bye-bye now.

I hate food.
I hate myself.
I hate life.
The only reason I'm not trying to kill myself right now is because I want so badly to be thin. I have to stay alive to do that.

Fuck me.
Fuck everything.

The THIN documentary

Pssst. Is there anyone here who wanted to watch the THIN documentary but couldn't, for whatever reason? Well, here's your chance! (Warning: The file is 699MB... in other words, definitely NOT dial-up friendly.)

Step 1. Download this program: http://www.utorrent.com/
Step 2. Install the program.
Step 3. Go to this link to download the video: http://tvrss.net/search/index.php?show_name=Thin&show_name_exact=true

^_____^

I always waver on the recovery front. Part of me always wants to recover and part of me is hellbent on destroying myself. Each part is so extreme that I can't at all balance any portion of them to get a grey area, and it's why I always have to flip to either one or the other. Right now I'm getting sucked back into the part that wants to destroy myself, for no better reason than that it's interesting. Honest to god, that's the reason. It interests me to see people's reactions, my body's reactions, how far I can push everything. What kind of a fucking person am I?? I'm no person at all. I'm despicable and terrible and I deserve everything I do to myself. And that attitude, of course, furthers my desire to implode.

I don't know. I don't know if I want recovery. I don't know if I could have it even if I wanted it. I don't know how far I've gotten myself into this -- if it's too far, now, to go back. If this coping mechanism is so entrenched that taking it away from me will result in me doing far worse things to myself than simply restricting. When I started my new job (which I have since quit), I was unable to do anything but eat somewhat normal portions through the day. How did I react? I started getting the urges to carve myself up again, and I actually began to do it. My mood plummeted. I started planning my own suicide, really truly meaning to do it. Suicide just because I couldn't control my fucking food! I mean, if it was you, would you rather be restricting or be dead??

Basically, I'm terrified of what will happen if I give this up. And I'm terrified of what's already happened the time or two that I've attempted, or been forced, to give this up. And it makes me think that this may never, ever have an end, except in death somehow caused by either one of my disorders or their side effects (I would consider suicide a part of borderline personality disorder rather than a side effect, for the record). And that is the most terrifying thought of all. Because if I really believed there was no other way out but suicide, I would do it. And I don't want to die. I really don't.

Yeah. Umm. I should make myself go to bed and get some sleep. I'm almost certain to feel better when I wake up tomorrow. At least I sure as hell hope I will.

I'm cold from restriction, and I love it.

I wonder what other physical symptoms I'll start to get back as this continues.

I'm not dead, I swear. Far from it, actually... or so it would seem. I got the bloodwork and EKG results back, and apparently everything was normal. I am medically stable. So, yay, no involuntary hospitalizations!

I'm being referred to some psychologist who deals only with eating disordered clients, but that is probably going to take awhile to go through -- at least a few weeks to a month. Until then, well, I simply stick to what I have. It will have to do.

If I can't get mentally better, then for the love of god, please just let me make myself disappear. Let me allow myself to fade away. I can't take existing the way I am now... I just can't.

Please...

I'm going out to a bar with friends tonight to celebrate my friend's boyfriend's birthday. I have no idea what I'm going to buy when I get there, other than a drink for the birthday boy (haha). Maybe I'll just have a couple of diet drinks. Let's hope that nobody tries to make me buy wings or some other shit... I really don't want to eat when I go out. Ugh. I dunno. I s'pose I'll figure out something. Let's hope so, at least.

Ahgod. I wish "normal" stuff like going out to a bar didn't have to be so bloody difficult.

This quiz is so true that I thought I'd post it here, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with eating disorders.

Your Expression Number is 9

An idealist and humanitarian, you strive to make the world a better place. You do your best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion. Deep down, you dream of being loved by many. You are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. While you are very ambitious, you never lose site of perspective. You have an abundance of creative talents... you just need to tap into them. Although you are a giving person, you can become selfish if you are ignored. If you are not able to help people, you tend to shelf your talents. Without others, you become aloof and start to lack sensitivity.

What's Your Expression Number?

Today I haven't eaten too much... yet. I like that.

I've really got to try and break myself out of this b/p cycle, too. I'm pretty sure it's one of the main reasons why I'm maintaining.

Need more self-control. Hopefully, that is what I shall be able to have. I make no promises -- just an effort. Well, okay, probably many efforts, judging from past experiences.

Back to LiveJournal surfing and chatting with other EDed girls.

I cut tonight.

I'm going to try and start a juice fast tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Holy crap, guys. I've got bruises everywhere. Both my hipbones (2 on each), one of my knees (3), the front of both sides of my ribs, and one just above that knobby bone in my wrist. [Of all the random places to get bruises...] Yeah. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, other than that I've gotten thinner. Does it mean... anemia? Lack of calcium? General weakness? What? I seriously don't know. Does anyone have any idea?

I ate 1350 cals yesterday and was disgusted with myself when I added it up. If I had just omitted the freaking two-bite brownies I'd have been down nearly 400 cals. Lesson learned: No more two-bite brownies, no matter how loudly they scream your name from your friend's living room table. They're full of fat anyway -- 22g for the four that I ate. I mean, come on. Eww. :|

My therapist diagnosed me with AN Type II, but I still don't believe her. Even though I've lost 17.6% of my body weight since I've been seeing her (minimum for diagnosis is, as we all know, 15%). Even though I've lost almost twice that percentage since this whole screwy eating disorder thing began. I still think I'm EDNOS. I'm "not skinny enough" or "good enough" for anorexia. Good enough! Since when was anorexia a good thing?! I don't know. My brain is just irritatingly inane sometimes.

Plus, that anal-retentive part of me is screaming, "You can't be anorexic till you have a BMI of 17.5!" Which is common jargon, but is not entirely true. The criteria is 15% of normal body weight. Which can be up to a BMI of 24.9. So what it means is that your body was of normal weight before, but you've lost at least 15% of that weight. It doesn't strictly mean "BMI of 17.5", although I'd argue that if you achieve a weight loss BMI of 17.5 you're probably anoretic anyway... but that's beside the point.

The point is, I have a diagnosis -- a true one, possibly -- and yet my brain can't accept it as being true. This? This isn't anorexia. Never was. Won't be unless I'm so skinny you can see all my bones without need for stretching. That's how I keep thinking of this. My brain has distorted almost beyond belief at this point. Nothing those doctors say is true. There's nothing wrong with me. I do eat normally. Didn't I eat 1350 cals yesterday and not puke? I'm normal I'm normal I'm normal.

But am I really? Am I? I can't clearly see the answer for myself, and it drives me batshit crazy. I take more and more drastic, and dangerous, methods to assure myself that I still have an eating disorder. The whole thing is fucking insane. Insanity. I am a crazy person. Nutcase. Need to be locked in a mental ward for life. I don't know. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. :(

Do I need therapy? Really?? I do???

Just retook the Do I Need Therapy test, and these were my results:

Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

• You appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts.


• You appear to suffer from compulsive behavior.


• You appear to suffer from Panic Disorder.


• You appear to be suffering from Anorexia.


• You appear to be suffering from Bulimia.


• Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.


• Your responses strongly indicated that you suffer from Hypochondriasis. (Yeah, that whole one question.)

The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.

• You have experienced symptoms of a major depressive episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode, or as major depressive disorder.


• You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode.


• Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder.


• You meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, but your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria.


• You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia.


• You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia.


• You display some symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but you do not appear to meet the full criteria for the disorder.


• You experience some symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.


• You experience some symptoms of Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.


• You have some symptoms of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, although you do not meet the full criteria for the disorder.


• You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Dependent Personality disorder.

Maybe it's bad that none of this surprises me in the least. I don't know. Is it?

Since I'm not from the US, this result is accurate!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
Boston
The West
North Central
Philadelphia
The Northeast
The Inland North
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Off to get some bloodwork and an EKG done. Fun times. *rollseyes*

Doctor.

Nervous, anxious. Not sure what she'll make me do. Afraid of the results. Afraid to go and get the inevitable bloodwork. Fear fear fear eats me alive.

Save me from the nothing I've become

So let's see. I've been making a lot of YouTube videos lately... if you want to see them click here. Note that a lot of them are potentially quite triggering and/or depressing. But they're pretty accurate in terms of what's been going on in my life lately.

Today when I spoke with my psychologist, she wrote a letter to my family doctor. Basically, my psychologist went to an eating disorders presentation not long ago, and realized that I was supposed to be being followed by a physician to ensure my medical stability. Hence, she made it a requirement to be able to see her that I check with my family doctor about ED-related health issues.

I made the appointment as soon as I got home; it's for tomorrow at 2 PM. I'm really really nervous, especially because this doctor is actually a substitute for my normal doctor, so I have no idea what she's like. However, I'd have had to wait until Monday for an appointment with my normal GP, and I figured it wouldn't be good to make this wait that long. I want to know if anything's wrong with me now. And, I mean, it's not as if my regular doctor won't see the file once she gets back, since it's her particular substitute that will be checking me. I just hope the sub doctor is nice (the receptionist assured me that she was) and knows something about eating disorders. It's embarrassing enough going in with that stuff written on a letter the doctor has to read...

Anyway. Umm. So, clearly, I'm kinda considering recovery. I'm definitely doing what I can to keep myself medically okay -- or, at the least, hopefully not dead. Because, you know, death is bad :|. If I have to be put in a hospital due to medical instability... well, I guess there's really not much I can do about it. I could possibly, depending on the evaluation, elect to go in voluntarily. I'll know more about that when I get evaluated, I guess.

I don't know. I'm so... confused. There's so much in my head right now -- so much I want to do and so many people to talk to (online and offline) and just so much so much so much. It's all whirring through my brain, and I'm pulling at it trying to draw coherent pieces from it. It's hard. I dunno. I think the starvation is getting to my brain, too, a little bit. Oy.

Confused, symptomatic, following a prescribed outline from therapist, riding the wave, afraid, apathetic, biding my time. I can wait. I can wait.