One thousand calories today. Less than I've had on any other day for like... two weeks now. Absolutely, terrificially gross. I know this. But maybe it's better to get myself back into it gradually. Makes me less likely to rebel that way. I think/hope/presume/something.

I am still trying to figure out why I do this to myself. Why why why? Every bit of logic I have tells me, "You don't need to not eat. Most people in this world DO eat, you know. There's a reason food tastes good." Etc etc. But I fight it as nonsense, often. Other times I give in and eat. Is that because I'm smart or stupid? Because I'm weak or strong? Because I'm fighting or giving up -- stepping forward or stepping back -- retreating or moving ahead? I don't know anymore. I'm confused. And I never did know my own mind.