one who pretends to be someone he or she is not

I fucking love the new Evanescence CD. Particularly the songs that are popular on the radio right now (well, and a few others). I feel like a complete poseur. "Get over it, Niika." Grfl.

I'm thirsty, but I don't want to get anything to drink. This is because I'm stupid. Yes, you heard me. STUUUU-PIIIID.

I don't know how the fuck I'm going to hang on long enough for Homewood. Then again, if I got through Christmas, I can probably get through this. But still. Nobody knows how close I get sometimes to royally screwing up absolutely EVERYthing. I really mean that. It would be exceedingly, idiotically simple to fuck myself over and have my admission to Homewood delayed for a long time, if not altogether reconsidered. And there are many times when I am sorely tempted to do it. Yet I don't... and why? Because some tiny part of my brain still tells me, "I will NOT let you continue to destroy yourself. I will NOT let you entirely eradicate the one avenue of decent help you still have left."

Sometimes I really, truly wish I didn't have these few scraps of common sense left. Because if I didn't I could destroy myself without being quite so conscience-stricken. It would be so, so much easier. Plus I wouldn't feel like such a poseur. Because I still feel like one.

Fuck this. Fuck fuck fuck this.

PS: You have no idea how much that quote of mine in the third to last paragraph makes me hate myself. I'm being totally serious and honest when I say that. I DON'T FUCKING DESERVE ANY "AVENUE[S] OF DECENT HELP". WHY DO I CONTINUE TO LET MYSELF STAY OUT OF HOSPITAL FOR AN EATING DISORDER TREATMENT I DON'T EVEN FUCKING NEED!?!?!