Shadow on the wall

This place -- these journals, the ED chat I go to, everything -- they all make me feel so guilty. If I put anything besides the barest of vegetables/fat-free dressing and lean meats in my mouth, I feel like a horrible fat cow who is going to gain a thousand pounds overnight. On top of the thirty million I just gained from eating something that wasn't under, say, 100 cals.

Plus there's how I feel myself. If I get really warm because I've actually eaten enough food to heat myself, I feel like a disgusting glutton and become terrified to eat at all. If I drink enough water to fully get rid of my edema (which I get a lot when I eat really salty foods), I feel like I'm nourishing myself "too much" and I purposely make myself edemic again.

I dunno. I just want to hurt. I want to numb myself out. I want to mute myself out of existence -- slowly blend my colors into the background, until you can't tell the difference between me and the wall. Until you press in and can't feel my flesh, can't feel my warmth -- just the hard, smooth, cold surface of the paint I stick to. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to go away and never never come back.

I hate emotions. I hate vitality. I hate being real. I hate being corporeal. And of course I really hate being, well, me.