I am still trying, and determined to try. Really truly. But my friend who was IP for anorexia signed herself out AMA today, because she hated the hospital with a massive passion. Everything about it just freaked her out too much, I guess, including the food and how "strict" the dietician is. I've worked with that dietician and, yes, she is strict... but it's a very common sense strict. My friend (we'll call her E) didn't want to be eating in the first place... I'm about 99.9% sure of that. And since they had to start her off really low on the meal plan, she was due for lots of increases over time. I guess mentally dealing with so much added food (it's actually not a lot of food, but I've been in there and it really SEEMS like a lot of food at the time) made her freak the fuck out, as well as other things, like how she hated the psychiatrist she was assigned under, was stuck among mental patients whom she probably perceived to be far more sick than she was, etc. I really do know how E feels, because I have been there done that... but the fact of the matter is that her vital signs still weren't good when she left today, and she probably still wasn't eating much, and she likely hardly gained any weight, because she never does at the start of her treatments (and she was below BMI 15 when she entered hospital).

The whole thing makes part of me want to say "fuck it" and go back to behaviors. But the other part of me is saying... I don't have to do what she's doing, or is likely to do. My guess is that E is going to either end up dead or certified at some point -- and, really, do I want to end up in a hospital with a tube shoved down my nose, possibly restrained so I couldn't fuck with it? Do I want to end up on that stupid psych ward again on the ED protocol, anxious about every meal and every snack, freaking out when another patient gets manic or crazy, possibly having to watch another eating disordered person force their way through meals? Do I want to end up dead? No, no... NO.

My decision, though it sort of started out as me not wanting to be a hypocrite, didn't finish that way. Eating more, maybe even gaining weight, is what's best for ME right now, and my choice to try doing these things really doesn't involve anybody else. What E does is her own decision. She is so extremely deep into her anorexia -- she hasn't told me this, but I can tell, because I've known her for years -- that it's totally and utterly in control of her every movement and action. I don't want ED to have that kind of power over me. Even if it means suffering mood-wise because I lack that coping mechanism. Because in order to get past any of that shit, I know I have to go through it. Avoiding it or shoving it down with ED is not going to help me fix any of it. I actually need to deal with it... deal with every emotion as it comes up, and not let my fear take me over and make me run away and do self-destructive shit to "erase" the feelings, as it tries to do. I don't want to be a fucking avoidant anymore!!! I want a goddamned LIFE, you stupid fucking mental disorders!!!