(A response to a comment I got on my forum...)

I figured out that holistically healthy and well just isn't possible for me with the "treatment" available to me. Nothing they can offer me here, or in this country for that matter, is actually going to fix my underlying problems, and since that is the case I want nothing to do with a stupid half-life in which I feel physically fine but feel like shit mentally and am incapable of actually having a real life. I'm happier being back in ED and at least feeling like I'm doing something, and like I actually have some sort of purpose, and something to strive for. I can never feel that way, or find any purpose, outside of ED, even ignoring all the other mental health crap I have.

So I just do not see a way out of this. I don't. I wanted to do American treatment; my psychiatrist flat out said he would not advocate for that. And unless you get a letter from God, pretty much, you're not gonna get funding for treatment in America, and I have no money (I live on welfare, for crying out loud). And since my main mental caregiver at the moment has made it clear that he won't advocate for me... well, that is really that. I can't see myself getting anywhere with the bullshit here, and I can't go elsewhere, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? (PS: Did you know I'm STILL on a fucking wait list for a psychologist? Which I've been on since January of 2011 and will be on till at least June of this year?? Yeah. And I'm still expected to be able to get adequate mental health care in this fucking place???)