I think I'm eating enough... or am I? I have a pretty normal breakfast and lunch, usually. Often I have a snack in between (today's was two scrambled eggs with ketchup). But then after that... things get kind of dicey.

I know I probably should eat at least a snack before I take my night meds and turn in, even though I've only been awake about 10 hours. But what to eat? I consider a chocolate bar, but then this little wave of fear washes over me. Chocolate bars are hard. Sugar; fat. No nutritional value. Calorically dense. That's the real reason, the last reason. I don't really FEEL hungry (although somewhere underneath there's hunger; but it's not at the forefront really nagging at me). It's hard to convince myself to eat ~250 calories of pure fat and sugar when I don't "really" feel hungry. And yet I sort of do.

I'm trying really hard to go by my hunger signals, but maybe they're just not working right now. If not, I'm not really sure I know what to do. I guess I just have to... keep trying. I could see the dietician I saw before, but I know I wouldn't want to talk about my weight at all (though she doesn't make me if I don't want to), but also I'd have a hard time following any sort of structured meal plan, which is the only thing she could really offer me. So I don't really see the point in going.

I may only have been up 10 hours, but I'm tired already. Not that I will complain much, because the Seroquel increase last night made me sleep about 15 hours, so I went to sleep at like 3 AM and woke up at... 6 PM. It's 4:30 AM, so even though I haven't been up a long time I feel that I should go to bed. I don't want my sleep schedule to get massively fucked up like it did before... sleeping when the sun was up and only being awake during darkness. It fuels my agoraphobic tendencies, not to mention fucks up those night light cues we're supposed to get from actually being awake during normal hours. You know.

Oh, yeah... I weighed myself yesterday and I was 100.5 lbs. So that's about a three and a half pound gain from where I was just before I started eating again. Which is... good, I guess? I feel rather neutral about it so far, because I'm not out of anorexic/underweight BMI range yet. But if I gain enough weight that I would no longer be classified as underweight... that's probably about when I'd start freaking. That's at (had to go calculate it...) exactly 106.7 lbs. Ughhhhhhhh. I don't even want to THINK about that right now. So I'm not going to.

Good night.