Compulsive overeating

Okay... on [a site for people with EDs] I just read a description of compulsive overeating disorder, and I realized... I have had that disorder since ninth grade, until I began restricting. That's four years that I had COE without even knowing it!!!

Compulsive Overeating

Some characteristics of COE:

- May fulfill all the diagnostic critia for Bulimia Nervosa except for the regular purging. (Nope. Besides, isn't that binge eating disorder?)
- Will either binge on large amounts of food or snack continuously throughout the day. (I did both, I think, at intervals, but mostly I snacked on the junkiest of junk food.)
- May be obsessed with food by thinking about it continuously. (I remember a fairly long period of time -- at least several months -- when I'd freak out if I didn't have some kind of junk food in the house.)
- Food becomes a form of comfort to help with depression and feelings. (HELLS YEAH.)
-Usually results in the person being overweight or obese. Some may be of normal weight if they go through periods of 'binge-free' days. (I was overweight for at least two of those four years, and if I'd gained 10 more pounds I would have been obese.)
- May express frustration with weight and not being able to control urges around food. (I didn't like how much fat I had or how big I was, but to me it wasn't worth the effort it would take to give up all the junk food. When I finally found an antidepressant that worked, though, I almost instantly switched from overeating to restricting. That used to strike me as rather odd, but when you think of them both as disordered eating behaviors, it kinda makes sense.)


So... I had COE. Odd, odd thought. Maybe it was just never noticed because I always thought my eating was "normal" except that I ate far too much junk food, which is common among teenagers anyway. The difference is that I was using food as my comfort through those years of dysthymia. Now that the dysthymia is in remission -- I start restricting to get this gross fat off me.

This is even more proof that I didn't just magically develop the mentality. I had it all along, but it was covered up by the COE for many, many years. Now the blanket's just been lifted off my head. That's all. It did not take many "triggers" for me to start restricting to a ridiculous degree (by "normal" standards, at least). And now I know why.

Daily weigh-in: 138. Not so bad, I guess. The scale was telling me 137.6 at first, but then at the third weigh it changed its mind and started sticking with 138. Damned thing. I don't think it's calibrated right, but I don't know how to calibrate it unless the CAL message comes up on the screen. Stupid 40-dollar scale. I didn't have the money for a better one at the time, and I still don't. :/

Yesterday I had less than 300 cals, though. I also slept from about 10 PM to 12 PM today -- so, yeah, that's 14 hours. It was good though. I feel pretty rested :). I still have annoying purple rings under my eyes, though. Anyone know what causes those / how to get rid of them aside from using concealer?

Today was my birthday, so I let myself indulge. Really, I'd pretty much call it a binge. I had my birthday supper -- chicken, mashed potato, green beans, and fresh corn -- and a small glass of Pepsi with it, and then afterwards ate a small piece of ice cream cake. A couple of hours later I went to the mall with my friends, where I bought a Subway sandwich higher in cals than my normal choice (and I wasn't even that hungry), along with a meal, although the cookies are still sitting in my purse. I then went to see The Da Vinci Code, and there I had a Kids' Pak with an upsized regular Coke. But -- that's it. No more tonight. And tomorrow I really really really want to assert my restriction control again. No more of this eat-anything-you-want business! If I want to lose weight, I have to start restricting again. NO Pepsi. NO fatty foods. Seriously, girl. I'm ashamed of you. *scolds self*

I can't believe I didn't realize this before... I have been eating more junky things, and eating more in general, because my body wants food and is making me eat more pretty much on its own. I thought I was just getting more apathetic about what I ate. Truth is, though, that this is my body trying to fool me into eating more.

I will not let it fool me anymore! I will keep control of myself, no matter how bad the cravings get, and no matter how hungry I get. I got over my cravings before, and I can get over them again. I just have to really assert my willpower -- not let this stupid apathy get me. I WILL WIN, GODDAMN YOU. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT.

Today's weigh-in was 138.6... ugh. I really have NOT been good at ALL lately -- I mean, I'm not consuming that many calories, granted, but I've been drinking regular Pepsi and shit. I've also been giving into cravings and then have often ended up purging what I've just eaten. It really fucking sucks.

I've gotta try and get back into the mostly water, juice, and fruits and veggies thing again. I feel better when I do that, and it's better for me, too.

So I love Canada's Next Top Model, and it's totally thinspiring. Petite Asian girl with ribs and some bones sticking out. "Large" model wanting to lose weight, seran-wrapping her butt and legs. People talking about size and definition and food. Of course, we knew that models are very concerned about their body and size anyway.

And we can't forget the girl with extra arm hair. When questioned, she said that she's so cold now that her arms are growing extra hair. They told her to wax or shave it, because it's bad for photographs. She so has an eating disorder. Very pretty girl, though. Beautiful face. They got makeovers, and she got very short red hair -- it was completely transforming.

Too bad I'd never have the height or the looks to be a model. Not to mention that the scars on various limbs would be a rather large problem. Oh well. I never really wanted to be a model anyway. It's just a little different to know you never could, as opposed to just not choosing it.

Well, I'm doing the best I can, on the weight front at least. All I've had so far today is an apple -- and I'm not even finished that. I'm doing the nibbling bit again. We'll see how well this shit works.

I haven't been a good girl lately -- well, not really. Haven't exactly been counting calories, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been more than 1000 on any given day. However, today I weighed myself for the first time in several days and I was actually at 138, so now I'm more motivated than ever to lose. I'm SOOOOOO CLOSE to my short-term goal of 135... I can almost taste it. I want to get there so bad. And if that means I have to starve a little -- well, so be it. My stomach is a lot smaller than it used to be anyway.

Fucked up the fast, but I don't care. I'm too depressed to give a shit what I eat right now. I had a small amount of spaghetti and meat sauce earlier, and now I have candy and a Charleston chew bar and Pepsi. The only way I know to make myself feel better right now is food. What a fucking idiot I am.

I'm considering starting a fast tomorrow.

Daily weigh-in: 139.4. Well, I could be back to 140 again, I guess. But still. Always just a teeny bit discouraging when you do really well and the number doesn't change at all.

Daily weigh-in: 139.4. Clearly, my new "technique" of eating works better than just straight-up counting calories, and starving for hours in between. I'd talk about it, but I'm afraid that if I write it down I'll stop doing it. Yes, I know that's weird. But I'm still not talking about it. :P

Daily weigh-in: 140.4. Are weight fluctuations a good thing or a bad thing? I dunno. But at least I'm not back in the 141s. Lord knows it could happen, though. :/

Bought and read the book "Wasted" today -- about a girl's struggle with bulimia and anorexia. It at times made me really really want to recover, but at times made me feel terribly guilty about how much I do eat. It prompted me to let go of my fears about eating cookies and eat some (which turned into eight... but they WERE small cookies), and then reading it some more after that made me feel like absolute shit and sent me to the toilet to purge most of the cookies up.

So... yeah. Really good read, but really intense. And triggering. Just be warned.

Not even the whole outer half of a large apple (well, okay, and a glass of water before that) and I am full enough that I don't dare eat the rest of the apple yet, lest I get uncomfortable and decide I need to purge.

This shit really does take over your life.

Daily weigh-in: 140. Yuss! Now, mind you, my scale was being stupid the first few times I weighed myself... a different weight each time... but it stuck to 140 three times in a row after that, so all I can do is take it at face value. I just hope it's, y'know, actually right. :)

Yesterday I was going to start trying to eat a little more, but that ended with me purging twice (I didn't write about the second time), so fuck that for now. I will hopefully be starting with my old psychologist again at the end of the month or early next month, so maybe I can work on it then...

I love excuses. Lol. :P