I went upstairs and had supper with my family, for once. The food was chicken, green beans, and this noodles with sauce stuff that comes in an almost ready-made package. I took the chicken breast, then heaped my plate with green beans (about a cup and a half), but didn't take any of the noodles (they're SO high-cal). Achievement #1. #2 came after I'd finished eating all my green beans and drinking some water. I said, "I don't really want any of this chicken breast now." So Mom says, "Okay. Well, you can put it in the fridge for later..." so I said, "All right." This I did. So later on, if/when they go out, I'll make a wrap, then somehow mutilate the wrap and throw it out. No chicken for meee! :D
Yeah. You know you're crazy when...
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Daily weigh-in: 115.2. Yes, I know I wasn't supposed to weigh myself today, but I don't care. And, frankly, I think this was worth breaking the pact for!! Lol. I'm very suspicious of my scale, though -- not sure if it's calibrated properly -- but I'll keep 115.2 if that's what it wants to tell me. Lol.
This whole therapy thing is really getting me down now. I almost wish I'd never told about the eating disorder in the first place. Now I'm getting pressure from a couple of different angles to stop, to rethink this, to try and change, blah blah blah other crap. And I just don't want to. I'm a little like Marya Hornbacher in that I am curious about what will happen as I keep going down this road. It seems to me that my replacement for experiencing "good" things in the world has become to fully experience a bunch of "bad" things, and the ED appears to be no exception. I want to see how far down I can drag this. I want to see how low and down and out I can get. I want to flirt with death the way that I have in so many other ways (ODs, etc). Really, I'm already on the ballroom floor, and Death knows I'm there, pale and tired in my sparkling blue gown, waiting for a turn around the middle. He'll come for me, sooner or later, for our waltz and tango.
I know this probably sounds completely terrible, but it's the truth. What I cannot currently seek in good ways I will seek in bad ways. And one thing that has always been true of me is that I am a curious person who likes to learn. And, well, this is certainly a learning experience, whatever else it is or is not.
This whole therapy thing is really getting me down now. I almost wish I'd never told about the eating disorder in the first place. Now I'm getting pressure from a couple of different angles to stop, to rethink this, to try and change, blah blah blah other crap. And I just don't want to. I'm a little like Marya Hornbacher in that I am curious about what will happen as I keep going down this road. It seems to me that my replacement for experiencing "good" things in the world has become to fully experience a bunch of "bad" things, and the ED appears to be no exception. I want to see how far down I can drag this. I want to see how low and down and out I can get. I want to flirt with death the way that I have in so many other ways (ODs, etc). Really, I'm already on the ballroom floor, and Death knows I'm there, pale and tired in my sparkling blue gown, waiting for a turn around the middle. He'll come for me, sooner or later, for our waltz and tango.
I know this probably sounds completely terrible, but it's the truth. What I cannot currently seek in good ways I will seek in bad ways. And one thing that has always been true of me is that I am a curious person who likes to learn. And, well, this is certainly a learning experience, whatever else it is or is not.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
So. You'll be interested to hear what happened in therapy today, I think. At the end of the session, I agreed to try and do three things:
1. Only weigh myself once every second day. Yeah, I know... I hate it, too. But she wanted me to try and not weigh myself for another week, and I just couldn't do it -- so I thought of this as a sort of compromise. I think I can live with every second day. Not sure if I can reduce it any more than that, but maybe in doing this I'll become slightly less obsessed with the scale... ?
2. Try to think of a food item I can get my parents to buy me, that I will cook and eat one day of next week (not this week) in addition to the food I'd normally eat that day. And keep it down. This one's going to be a toughie, if I can manage it at all... but for this week I only have to think about the food item, so I'm not under too much stress yet.
3. Finally... no fasting. :|. I like fasting so much... but I can give it up. Plus, not fasting doesn't = high calorie count by any means. I could eat one apple and that would be considered not fasting. So I can live with it, just as long as I can still restrict, which I am able to -- for now.
You may be wondering why I even agreed to try (honestly, not just pretending) to do these things. It was because my therapist pointed out something to me: If I am going to recover, it would be better to do it on my own terms instead of having it forced on me. The mere thought of hospitalized recovery is absolutely terrifying to me. And if I'm looking at this with realism, the eating disorder will end sometime -- in months or years I know not, but it will stop. And either it will end in one of three ways: because I recover by choice, because I recover by force (at first), or because I die. It would be nice to recover by choice, and on my own, if it's at all possible.
Mind you, this is no guarantee that I'm actually going to be able to do it. I can live with not fasting. I can live without weighing myself every day. I am not sure if I can live with putting more food into my body, which is really the key factor. We'll see.......
1. Only weigh myself once every second day. Yeah, I know... I hate it, too. But she wanted me to try and not weigh myself for another week, and I just couldn't do it -- so I thought of this as a sort of compromise. I think I can live with every second day. Not sure if I can reduce it any more than that, but maybe in doing this I'll become slightly less obsessed with the scale... ?
2. Try to think of a food item I can get my parents to buy me, that I will cook and eat one day of next week (not this week) in addition to the food I'd normally eat that day. And keep it down. This one's going to be a toughie, if I can manage it at all... but for this week I only have to think about the food item, so I'm not under too much stress yet.
3. Finally... no fasting. :|. I like fasting so much... but I can give it up. Plus, not fasting doesn't = high calorie count by any means. I could eat one apple and that would be considered not fasting. So I can live with it, just as long as I can still restrict, which I am able to -- for now.
You may be wondering why I even agreed to try (honestly, not just pretending) to do these things. It was because my therapist pointed out something to me: If I am going to recover, it would be better to do it on my own terms instead of having it forced on me. The mere thought of hospitalized recovery is absolutely terrifying to me. And if I'm looking at this with realism, the eating disorder will end sometime -- in months or years I know not, but it will stop. And either it will end in one of three ways: because I recover by choice, because I recover by force (at first), or because I die. It would be nice to recover by choice, and on my own, if it's at all possible.
Mind you, this is no guarantee that I'm actually going to be able to do it. I can live with not fasting. I can live without weighing myself every day. I am not sure if I can live with putting more food into my body, which is really the key factor. We'll see.......
Daily weigh-in: 116.2. :D
I gotta admit, I'm in a pretty good mood, despite the fact that I didn't sleep so wonderfully last night. Of course, I did stay up for a couple of hours reading Wasted. Heh. *cough*. I love that book. And it's funny -- the things I winced in horror at during my first reading don't even make me blink now. And almost none of it makes me want to recover anymore (some parts of it did the first time I read it). If you haven't read that book, go read it, NOW. Seriously.
At this point, all I really care about is losing weight, and I'm losing, so I'm relatively content. It's nice to finally be able to do something right...
I gotta admit, I'm in a pretty good mood, despite the fact that I didn't sleep so wonderfully last night. Of course, I did stay up for a couple of hours reading Wasted. Heh. *cough*. I love that book. And it's funny -- the things I winced in horror at during my first reading don't even make me blink now. And almost none of it makes me want to recover anymore (some parts of it did the first time I read it). If you haven't read that book, go read it, NOW. Seriously.
At this point, all I really care about is losing weight, and I'm losing, so I'm relatively content. It's nice to finally be able to do something right...
Monday, August 07, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Today is a fast day. Appropriate punishment, I think, for my disgusting caloric intake yesterday (and the purging session that followed). I've been thinking about going for more than one day, but I'm not sure I have the willpower for that right now, especially because I'd essentially be doing it alone. There should be another group fast... much easier to stick to my guns when I know a whole bunch of other girls are doing it with me.
As it is, though, I am still too tempted by food to entirely give it up for very long. Right now I really, really want an apple, but I am resisting with all my might. I will not eat an apple. I refuse. I said today was a fast day, and I'm sticking to it. Stomach, thou shalt not prevail!!
As it is, though, I am still too tempted by food to entirely give it up for very long. Right now I really, really want an apple, but I am resisting with all my might. I will not eat an apple. I refuse. I said today was a fast day, and I'm sticking to it. Stomach, thou shalt not prevail!!
Daily weigh-in: 118.6. Plateaus have got to end sometime... right? :/
EDIT: Okay... after sleeping some more, and my body processing some water, it's back down to 118.2. I think I'm going to take that as the daily weigh-in, because when I weighed the first time I hadn't slept nearly enough, or nearly as much as I usually do. I had gotten up to go out with a friend, but she wouldn't answer her cellphone... but anyway. Yeah. 118.2 it is.
EDIT: Okay... after sleeping some more, and my body processing some water, it's back down to 118.2. I think I'm going to take that as the daily weigh-in, because when I weighed the first time I hadn't slept nearly enough, or nearly as much as I usually do. I had gotten up to go out with a friend, but she wouldn't answer her cellphone... but anyway. Yeah. 118.2 it is.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Weigh-in: 118.6. Someone explain to me how it's possible to be the EXACT same weight three days in a row?? 'Cause I don't get it. I don't think that's ever happened to me before now. Very, very weird.
I'm having lots of physical effects these days from the ED, but, other than the boredom eating, I never really have that much of a (mental) desire to eat. Sometimes the physical cravings manifest themselves as mental ones, but I'm learning the difference now. My real, true will to eat, the part inside my head, hardly exists anymore. I mean, sure, some food tastes good. Whoopie. Big fucking deal. The only reason I even need taste every now and then is because drinking plain water all the time starts to taste really bad and make me vaguely sick after awhile. I only eat to get a few vitamins, minerals, and electrolytes, so that I can stay out of the hospital for the time being. Other than that? I don't care. I just don't fucking care at all. Not eating really doesn't bother me.
In fact, watching other people eat their piles of food seems to gross me out a lot lately. From what I've read on LJ and such, I think this is a pretty common attitude among people who restrict. You see people consume the amount of calories you'd eat in a day in one sitting, and you can't help letting a tiny flicker of disgust cross your face, just for an instant. You can't help watching them chew and think how gross it would be to eat all that yourself. If you're like me, you can't listen to your father burp later and not think something like, "If he'd just stop eating so bloody much he wouldn't have to make such loud and disgusting-smelling burps all the time." I know bodily functions are supposed to be normal and all, but can't he do it somewhere else, or at least not as loudly?? God. Nasty.
I'm having lots of physical effects these days from the ED, but, other than the boredom eating, I never really have that much of a (mental) desire to eat. Sometimes the physical cravings manifest themselves as mental ones, but I'm learning the difference now. My real, true will to eat, the part inside my head, hardly exists anymore. I mean, sure, some food tastes good. Whoopie. Big fucking deal. The only reason I even need taste every now and then is because drinking plain water all the time starts to taste really bad and make me vaguely sick after awhile. I only eat to get a few vitamins, minerals, and electrolytes, so that I can stay out of the hospital for the time being. Other than that? I don't care. I just don't fucking care at all. Not eating really doesn't bother me.
In fact, watching other people eat their piles of food seems to gross me out a lot lately. From what I've read on LJ and such, I think this is a pretty common attitude among people who restrict. You see people consume the amount of calories you'd eat in a day in one sitting, and you can't help letting a tiny flicker of disgust cross your face, just for an instant. You can't help watching them chew and think how gross it would be to eat all that yourself. If you're like me, you can't listen to your father burp later and not think something like, "If he'd just stop eating so bloody much he wouldn't have to make such loud and disgusting-smelling burps all the time." I know bodily functions are supposed to be normal and all, but can't he do it somewhere else, or at least not as loudly?? God. Nasty.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
You know... I just figured something out. I don't really eat because I'm hungry anymore -- I don't even care about being hungry. I eat because I'm bored.
This makes me pissed off at myself. Stupid me for being depressed and eating out of boredom. Not that I have many calories -- usually somewhere between 150-300 -- but I don't even feel hungry half the times that I eat. It's just something I go do because I have nothing else to do.
Does anyone have any idea what I can do about this? :/
This makes me pissed off at myself. Stupid me for being depressed and eating out of boredom. Not that I have many calories -- usually somewhere between 150-300 -- but I don't even feel hungry half the times that I eat. It's just something I go do because I have nothing else to do.
Does anyone have any idea what I can do about this? :/
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Grocery shopping!
After my doctor's appointment today I spent some quality time in the grocery store, and made several awesome finds (well, I thought they were awesome :D).
- KAMUT PUFFS, in the organics section: only 50 cals for an entire cup of the cereal. It's bland, but I added a bunch of Splenda to it and it was really tasty... and very very filling. And, because it's organic, it's all carbs -- no sugars, no fat, and no sodium. I'm obsessed with it already. ♥♥
- Schneider's Low-Fat Weiners: 35 cals per weiner. Protein with 0.3g fat? Gotta love it. Does have sodium, though.
- Cool Whip, 95% Fat Free: 25 cals for three tablespoons. Mine is in the freezer, and I plan to either eat tablespoons as ice cream or use it for strawberry dip. Probably both at different points.
- Mrs. J's Naturally Sweetened Juice Pops, also in the organics section: 25 cals each. We'll see how they taste -- but they look promising. These are also no-fat.
- Soup at Hand has a few new flavors, one of which includes Vegetable with Mini Pasta: 90 cals for the container, and no fat. Does have a fairly significant amount of sodium, which is most of the reason I bought it. Sodium is good sometimes. There is also a Vegetable Beef one, which is 70 cals, but it has 1.5g of fat, so I opted for the no-fat one instead. (Hey, I don't have to drink the whole thing.)
So, umm... yeah. I love grocery-shopping for low calorie things. :D
- KAMUT PUFFS, in the organics section: only 50 cals for an entire cup of the cereal. It's bland, but I added a bunch of Splenda to it and it was really tasty... and very very filling. And, because it's organic, it's all carbs -- no sugars, no fat, and no sodium. I'm obsessed with it already. ♥♥
- Schneider's Low-Fat Weiners: 35 cals per weiner. Protein with 0.3g fat? Gotta love it. Does have sodium, though.
- Cool Whip, 95% Fat Free: 25 cals for three tablespoons. Mine is in the freezer, and I plan to either eat tablespoons as ice cream or use it for strawberry dip. Probably both at different points.
- Mrs. J's Naturally Sweetened Juice Pops, also in the organics section: 25 cals each. We'll see how they taste -- but they look promising. These are also no-fat.
- Soup at Hand has a few new flavors, one of which includes Vegetable with Mini Pasta: 90 cals for the container, and no fat. Does have a fairly significant amount of sodium, which is most of the reason I bought it. Sodium is good sometimes. There is also a Vegetable Beef one, which is 70 cals, but it has 1.5g of fat, so I opted for the no-fat one instead. (Hey, I don't have to drink the whole thing.)
So, umm... yeah. I love grocery-shopping for low calorie things. :D
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