Daily weigh-in: 115.2. Yes, I know I wasn't supposed to weigh myself today, but I don't care. And, frankly, I think this was worth breaking the pact for!! Lol. I'm very suspicious of my scale, though -- not sure if it's calibrated properly -- but I'll keep 115.2 if that's what it wants to tell me. Lol.

This whole therapy thing is really getting me down now. I almost wish I'd never told about the eating disorder in the first place. Now I'm getting pressure from a couple of different angles to stop, to rethink this, to try and change, blah blah blah other crap. And I just don't want to. I'm a little like Marya Hornbacher in that I am curious about what will happen as I keep going down this road. It seems to me that my replacement for experiencing "good" things in the world has become to fully experience a bunch of "bad" things, and the ED appears to be no exception. I want to see how far down I can drag this. I want to see how low and down and out I can get. I want to flirt with death the way that I have in so many other ways (ODs, etc). Really, I'm already on the ballroom floor, and Death knows I'm there, pale and tired in my sparkling blue gown, waiting for a turn around the middle. He'll come for me, sooner or later, for our waltz and tango.

I know this probably sounds completely terrible, but it's the truth. What I cannot currently seek in good ways I will seek in bad ways. And one thing that has always been true of me is that I am a curious person who likes to learn. And, well, this is certainly a learning experience, whatever else it is or is not.