You know you have an ED when...

- You eat 3/4ths of a cup of cheerios and half a cup of 0.5% milk and call it your breakfast.
- About fifteen minutes later your parents come home with a whole chicken and taters, and you don't want to eat any of it, but your parents are there and would think you're odd if you didn't. So you eat five relatively small taters and most of a slice of chicken breast.
- Upon finishing the meal, all you can think about is how much you want to purge up that disgusting chicken and those calorie-filled potatoes. So, five minutes later, you have turned on your music in your bedroom, locked the bathroom door, started the water, and begun to purge. It comes up surprisingly fast. You know you got all the chicken and taters when you start tasting cheerios again -- plus there was a lot of stuff in that toilet.
- All of this makes you feel awesome for sticking to your goals and having willpower. So what if you purged up a few Cheerios, too? Really, the less food the better!

Yeah, I know... I'm fucked up. Can't remember the last time I wasn't fucked up. *sigh*

Daily weigh-in: 141.2. Yep... another fucking plateau. *sigh*. I'm going to try to restrict the calories like crazy, drink more water, and exercise more than I have been (have barely been getting ANY). Also, I have to make SURE I cut way back on the fat. No more hot dogs and fries for me! (I did actually eat that yesterday. To be sure, it was half a hot dog and 10 fries... but it still counts.)

Daily weigh-in: 141.4. I can see that this is going to be another plateau weight... the 141 point somethings... gah.

Daily weigh-in: 142. I'm gaining! Argh!!! :|. However, this will all change. I ate somewhere between 800 and 900 calories yesterday... absolutely disgusting. Today, however, I am determined to eat as few calories as possible. Somewhere between 200 and 350 would be preferable.

*huge breath* I can do this. I can do this.

Daily weigh-in: 141.4. I guess gaining 0.2 pounds isn't really that bad... it's probably water or poop weight. Lol. I think I might up my calorie count a bit today, cause my mom's been getting suspicious.

"You're not starving yourself, are you?"
"No!" ("what are you, stupid?" affect)
"Cause skinny is not the goal here. Healthy is the goal. Skinny is stupid."
"Yes, I know." (exasperated affect)
(later) "Have you eaten yet today?"
"No... I just got up." (This is actually true, by the way.)
"But it's 4:00! You're so lazy!" Then she finally leaves the house.

I mean, yeeesh. Just because I came upstairs wearing some old clothes that finally fit again, to show them off a little. She's been asking me those sorts of questions ever since I dropped enough weight for the difference to be noticeable. I wish she'd just leave me the fuck alone. Not like I'd stop doing it just because she knew about it, anyway. I'm an adult -- she can't control me. And I'm not underweight, so she can't send me to a hospital. Therefore, there's not a damned thing she can do right now. So hahaha on you, mother.

306 calories for the day. So why don't I feel good about it?

Oh, that's right, because I've got this stupid urge to overdose or cut AGAIN.

*mutters*

Daily weigh-in: 141.2. A pound gone in a day... that's the sort of stuff I like to see. Keep it comin!! :D.

Daily weigh-in: 142.2.

And now I must go get a shower and hop on the bus to the movie theater... I'm seeing X3 with a bunch of friends this afternoon. Should be fun! :)

Daily weigh-in: 142.6. Yaaaay! I'm officially in the "healthy" BMI category now. However, I've still got loooots of fat to lose. There's no way I'm gonna maintain a weight this high. Can't wait till I reach my STG of 135... it's gonna be sweet. :)

I only ate 239 calories yesterday, and was hardly even hungry... weird, ne? But I kinda like it. I was considering forcibly feeding myself to up my calorie count, but then thought, "Well, if I'm not even hungry, why am I going to force myself to eat?" So I didn't. Go, willpower. :P

Daily weigh-in: 143.6. Sweeeeet. And as long as I keep 'er restrictin, I keep 'er droppin! :P

That also makes my BMI 25.1. I'm almost at a normal BMI!!!! I can't remember the last time I was this small -- I can see the changes on just about every part of my body. It's exciting to finally be close to at least a normal weight. :D

To make a long story short, the reason why I haven't been updating is because I ended up in a psychiatric unit for a week and two days. The reason had to do with my anxiety, depression, and probably a dash of borderline -- not my ED at all. In fact, they seemingly paid no attention to the fact that I didn't eat most of the meals. Oh well. I weighed myself when I came back this afternoon, after having had a sandwich for lunch and water earlier in the day, and I was still 145 pounds, so I'm okay on the ED front. I can start my restriction in earnest again, now that I am able to precisely calculate my calories. :)

Daily weigh-in: 145.4. Point-six pounds gone, even after last night (which wasn't as bad as it could have been). Not too shabby.

And now I have to go to brunch. *gags*

Day 31

Daily weigh-in: 146. Two pounds in a day??? All I'm afraid of is that, with these next two days (fasting, but eating one fairly high-calorie meal in the day), I'm gonna gain all that back and then some. I had BETTER not gain much, that's all. :@

I can see the difference in my weight pretty much everywhere on my body now. Boobs, stomach, love handles, back, thighs, face... AND I'm even starting to see a hint of collarbone now! :D:D. Proportionately, my stomach is still stuck out further than my boobs, but my general waistline has shrunk; also, my butt has NOT shrunk (undies still fit the same, too), so I look more proportional. I always wanted a bigger butt, and now I've sorta got it. My butt was so tiny under my heavy midsection that it practically looked like it didn't exist -- pancake-like. Now it's starting to finally announce that it is there.

I am pleased, and will continue to be just as long as going out to eat twice in two days doesn't fuck this all up. I just hope the fasting for the rest of the day each time will help...

Day 30

Daily weigh-in: 148. Sweet. Only five more pounds to a BMI of 25...

Also, just for your information, I ODed on one of my psych meds last night and ended up in the hospital for 10 hours. The main treatment was a saline IV (basically water with a small bit of salt), so it kept me running to the bathroom allll the time. My heart rate was up a lot, I had tremors, and my mouth would randomly spasm when I talked; there were a couple of other side effects, but I can't remember them at the moment. Anyway, I got to the hospital at maybe 1:30 AM, and the IV was taken out of my hand sometime later that morning (at least 7 or 8 AM), so I didn't end up having to stay very long.

Day 29

Daily weigh-in: 149.6. Well, at least it hasn't gone up...

I'm a bit scared about the weekend. On Saturday night my sister will be home from BC, so we're going out to some place for food and then to a club to watch one of her favorite musicians perform. The club thing is fine -- Diet Coke, anyone? -- but the restaurant's going to be tricky. I'm 100% positive I'm going to end up eating far more calories than is good for me, because I don't know what place we're going to and it probably won't have nutrition info online anyway. Then on Sunday, sometime in the morning or early afternoon, a bunch of us are going to another nameless place for Mother's Day brunch. *smashes head on desk*

All I can think of to do is fast all day Saturday until I go out, and fast all the rest of the day Sunday, and maybe part of Monday too. Oh, and exercise a bit, I suppose, to burn off more cals. But... arrrrgh. Nothing like weekend plans to ruin a good period of restriction. -.-