Weigh-in: 137! AAAAAAAAH! *cries*. Stupid hospital making me eat... gah. That's three pounds heavier than I was when I went in. Must. Get. Rid. Of. Weight. SOON.
Anyway, I'm off to cabins for the weekend with family... wish me luck. -.-
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Eating Disorder Survey
**Eating Disorder Survey**
General
Age - 20
Height - 5' 3 1/2" (161.3 cm!)
Weight - Last time I weighed myself it was around 134. The Moment of Truth shall be tomorrow morning...
Lowest Weight (at current height) - Around 130.
Highest Weight (at current height) - 167.
What do you want to weigh? - Somewhere in the 100s or 110s would be nice.
What eating disorder do you have? - EDNOS.
Diagnosed by a professional? - No.
In-Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? - I try for less than 500.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? - On occasion.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? - It'd be neat if I could, but I'm not so sure.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? - No. I m teh lazy. :/
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? - Actually, I got teased more when I was "flat" than when I was overweight.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? - Yes... for about a day and a half before I gave in. All other attempts have ended after about half a day.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? - No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? - Yes. Models especially.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? - Nope.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? - No... that's hella dangerous.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? - I've thought about it, but I've never been able to yet.
Body Image Qs
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? - Yes.
What part of your body would you change? - Excess fat on, well, just about everything, actually.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body? - I'd give it around a three or four.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? - Not usually, but it doesn't hurt either.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed? - Not really... it's just another thing that makes me think about how much I need to change!
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? - The mere thought of that is depressing as hell... let's not even go there...
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough? - 500 calories a day is not healthy.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? - No. I'd rather eat those than fats.
Fat grams? - I don't count, but I try to keep my fat percentage in my daily intake low.
Calories? - A lot of them, yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued? - Yes.
Do you feel more energised after eating food? - Sometimes.
Do you eat meat? - Sometimes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc - Sometimes I eat really slowly, in tiny bites, etc.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? - No.
Have you ever thrown up blood? - No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? - Yes. At rest it is in the mid to high 60s.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? - No.
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? - I don't doubt the media has helped, but eating disorders existed far before mainstream media did.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? - I kinda see it the same way I see pro-suicide -- looks good to the people in the middle of it, but it's just another manifestation of the disorder when you really think about it. Suicidal people want to die, so they reason about why it would be okay for them to die. Anorexic people want to get skinny, so they reason about why it is okay for them to restrict. What's the real difference?
Do you have any other mental disorders? (ie Bipolar, BDD, etc) - Dysthymia, generalized anxiety, borderline personality disorder
What's your favourite food to eat? - Lately I really like organic apples, Cheerios, etc. I still have weaknesses for junky foods, but eating too many of any of them hurts my stomach, so that's a good excuse. :)
Favourite drink? - Unfortunately, I have a huge weakness for soda. I also really like apple juice, orange juice, milk, and lemonade.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? - Sometimes I do, yeah. It would make life easier if I could eat healthily and heartily and never have to think about calories or fat or any of that bullshit. But right now I just can't.
Do you want to recover? - Sometimes I do. But, like I said, I just can't make myself right now. Things are going to have to change in my head first for any "recovery" to work.
General
Age - 20
Height - 5' 3 1/2" (161.3 cm!)
Weight - Last time I weighed myself it was around 134. The Moment of Truth shall be tomorrow morning...
Lowest Weight (at current height) - Around 130.
Highest Weight (at current height) - 167.
What do you want to weigh? - Somewhere in the 100s or 110s would be nice.
What eating disorder do you have? - EDNOS.
Diagnosed by a professional? - No.
In-Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? - I try for less than 500.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? - On occasion.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? - It'd be neat if I could, but I'm not so sure.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? - No. I m teh lazy. :/
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? - Actually, I got teased more when I was "flat" than when I was overweight.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? - Yes... for about a day and a half before I gave in. All other attempts have ended after about half a day.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? - No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? - Yes. Models especially.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? - Nope.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? - No... that's hella dangerous.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? - I've thought about it, but I've never been able to yet.
Body Image Qs
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? - Yes.
What part of your body would you change? - Excess fat on, well, just about everything, actually.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body? - I'd give it around a three or four.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? - Not usually, but it doesn't hurt either.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed? - Not really... it's just another thing that makes me think about how much I need to change!
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? - The mere thought of that is depressing as hell... let's not even go there...
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough? - 500 calories a day is not healthy.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? - No. I'd rather eat those than fats.
Fat grams? - I don't count, but I try to keep my fat percentage in my daily intake low.
Calories? - A lot of them, yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued? - Yes.
Do you feel more energised after eating food? - Sometimes.
Do you eat meat? - Sometimes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc - Sometimes I eat really slowly, in tiny bites, etc.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? - No.
Have you ever thrown up blood? - No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? - Yes. At rest it is in the mid to high 60s.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? - No.
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? - I don't doubt the media has helped, but eating disorders existed far before mainstream media did.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? - I kinda see it the same way I see pro-suicide -- looks good to the people in the middle of it, but it's just another manifestation of the disorder when you really think about it. Suicidal people want to die, so they reason about why it would be okay for them to die. Anorexic people want to get skinny, so they reason about why it is okay for them to restrict. What's the real difference?
Do you have any other mental disorders? (ie Bipolar, BDD, etc) - Dysthymia, generalized anxiety, borderline personality disorder
What's your favourite food to eat? - Lately I really like organic apples, Cheerios, etc. I still have weaknesses for junky foods, but eating too many of any of them hurts my stomach, so that's a good excuse. :)
Favourite drink? - Unfortunately, I have a huge weakness for soda. I also really like apple juice, orange juice, milk, and lemonade.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? - Sometimes I do, yeah. It would make life easier if I could eat healthily and heartily and never have to think about calories or fat or any of that bullshit. But right now I just can't.
Do you want to recover? - Sometimes I do. But, like I said, I just can't make myself right now. Things are going to have to change in my head first for any "recovery" to work.
To make a long story short: I just got out of the hospital. ODed on acetaminophen for the fourth time, but this time my body decided to be stupid and randomly make my liver enzymes go up for no reason (it the liver does this it will usually do it gradually, but mine did it all at once after a couple of days). I had to have the whole acetaminophen antidote over again. Not to mention that for two days I was so nauseous that I was throwing up small amounts of foods, so I was on a forced fast -- and forced fasts really aren't pleasant, especially because I wasn't drinking liquids either. They had to keep a saline IV in me to keep me hydrated, and yesterday they added potassium to the IV because I hadn't been able to eat enough to get it back up myself. Today, however, the bloodwork came back improved and they let me go home.
Having eaten relatively normally for the last two days, and not weighed myself since Saturday morning (or was it Friday morning?), I am a little terrified about what I'm going to see on that scale when I get on it tomorrow, plus now I've got to work myself back down to restricting levels again. Argh. Double pain in the ass, that. But never mind. I will do it. I vowed to get to at least 120, and get to at least 120 I will! :)
Having eaten relatively normally for the last two days, and not weighed myself since Saturday morning (or was it Friday morning?), I am a little terrified about what I'm going to see on that scale when I get on it tomorrow, plus now I've got to work myself back down to restricting levels again. Argh. Double pain in the ass, that. But never mind. I will do it. I vowed to get to at least 120, and get to at least 120 I will! :)
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Daily weigh-in: 134.2. I wonder why it keeps going in between these two particular weights (this and 133.8)? It can't rest squarely on 134? It doesn't want to go above .2 or below .8? I find this rather bizarre, to tell you the truth.
However, I swear that I WILL lose again. I WILL go below 133.8, if it's the last damned thing I do. Actually, my goal right now is to get below 129... that was the low weight a friend of mine with an ED reached. It's terrible of me to be set on beating my friend, I know, but after reading her journal I can tell that I am a better restrictor than she is AND I know more about eating disorders now. Plus, she was more of a bulimic than a restrictor anyway -- would binge and then compensate by fasting, which as we all know just leads to binging again. Which is exactly what it did for her. The scary thing is that we had/have the same goals... 120 and 105. But I swear I will get there, even if she did not. At least to 120 if not as low as 105 -- although I'd LOVE to go to 105, or even lower.
But yeah. I suppose that's enough comparison for one day. I have something she did not -- willpower to avoid binges. That, combined with determination, should get me something, or this world just doesn't work according to the laws of human physiology and nutrition. I wouldn't be surprised, though, knowing my luck. Haha. :P
Well, I'm off now. To do... umm... something. I just gotta figure out what.
However, I swear that I WILL lose again. I WILL go below 133.8, if it's the last damned thing I do. Actually, my goal right now is to get below 129... that was the low weight a friend of mine with an ED reached. It's terrible of me to be set on beating my friend, I know, but after reading her journal I can tell that I am a better restrictor than she is AND I know more about eating disorders now. Plus, she was more of a bulimic than a restrictor anyway -- would binge and then compensate by fasting, which as we all know just leads to binging again. Which is exactly what it did for her. The scary thing is that we had/have the same goals... 120 and 105. But I swear I will get there, even if she did not. At least to 120 if not as low as 105 -- although I'd LOVE to go to 105, or even lower.
But yeah. I suppose that's enough comparison for one day. I have something she did not -- willpower to avoid binges. That, combined with determination, should get me something, or this world just doesn't work according to the laws of human physiology and nutrition. I wouldn't be surprised, though, knowing my luck. Haha. :P
Well, I'm off now. To do... umm... something. I just gotta figure out what.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Daily weigh-in: 133.8, again. Lol. It's kinda funny, in a way... because my scale did the exact same going-down-from-134 that it did before, too. But before THAT it was going from 133 to 137 to 135, and then it said CAL. My scale has problems. Haha. :P
I'm going to a concert at around 7 tonight... I think it'll be okay. I'm going with a friend I haven't seen in a long while, anyway, so at least I'll get to have a chat with her and such.
One more thing: Coke Zero is awesome! It tastes so much more like regular Coke than diet does, and it still has the same minimal calories. I ♥ it. I think I'm going to become a regular customer... hehe. ^_^
I'm going to a concert at around 7 tonight... I think it'll be okay. I'm going with a friend I haven't seen in a long while, anyway, so at least I'll get to have a chat with her and such.
One more thing: Coke Zero is awesome! It tastes so much more like regular Coke than diet does, and it still has the same minimal calories. I ♥ it. I think I'm going to become a regular customer... hehe. ^_^
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Daily weigh-in: 134.2. I guess you could say I didn't gain that much... but, really, what comfort is that?? :P. But seriously, I don't think eating a peanut butter sandwich and having a glass of Diet Pepsi at 1 AM helped, nor did getting about five hours of sleep. Ugh. Girl, if ya wanna lose weight, you have to stop eating late and get enough sleep! Get yerself in line!
So on that note, I'm going to go get a glass of ice water and two crackers (I have to take my Effexor with food or it makes me nauseous), and then I have to get ready for an appointment with my psychiatric nurse. Blargh. Ah well. He's nice enough... I just don't want to get off my lazy ass to get the bus. :P
Later, people.
So on that note, I'm going to go get a glass of ice water and two crackers (I have to take my Effexor with food or it makes me nauseous), and then I have to get ready for an appointment with my psychiatric nurse. Blargh. Ah well. He's nice enough... I just don't want to get off my lazy ass to get the bus. :P
Later, people.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Daily weigh-in: 133.8. And for those who have been asking what my "secret" is... I've just been restricting really, really heavily. It helps that lately I just haven't felt like eating, even though I've been hungry. I think that's caused by the depression -- but pfft. If it works, it works! Also, by restricting really heavily I mean that I've been trying for 200-300 cals a day. It's not something I'd recommend to anyone else, but I can't deny its effectiveness.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
Daily weigh-in: 134.8! I have reached my short-term goal!!! :D.
But you know what that means, boys and girls... time to set new goal weights!
Previous Goals:
STG: 135
LTG1: 120
LTG2: 110
New Goals:
STG: 120
LTG: 105
I am excited... I can finally take 135 off my goal weight chart forever :).
I hope you guys are having a good day today -- or, failing that, at least not a terrifically bad day. :)
But you know what that means, boys and girls... time to set new goal weights!
Previous Goals:
STG: 135
LTG1: 120
LTG2: 110
New Goals:
STG: 120
LTG: 105
I am excited... I can finally take 135 off my goal weight chart forever :).
I hope you guys are having a good day today -- or, failing that, at least not a terrifically bad day. :)
I just ordered these books:
Best Little Girl In The World
Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self
Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa
The Minds of Billy Milligan
... okay, so the last one isn't eating-disorder related. So what. :P
I think they will all be good. I may or may not let you know what I think of them (I haven't decided yet).
Best Little Girl In The World
Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self
Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa
The Minds of Billy Milligan
... okay, so the last one isn't eating-disorder related. So what. :P
I think they will all be good. I may or may not let you know what I think of them (I haven't decided yet).
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Which Victoria's Secret Angel are you?
Heidi Klum
You are a girly girl and love pink!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Purged the birthday lunch as soon as I got home. Got most of it up, I think. Definitely got all the ice cream cake up, at least -- not as certain about the wrap.
I don't want to eat anymore today. I feel disgusting and fat.
I did get some lovely presents, though, including Chapters money and a $20 bill and a bunch of pretty things (dreamcatcher, fountain, etc), and I got to see my aunts and cousins and little second cousins. So it wasn't all bad, but... I wish I hadn't had to purge the whole meal up. I could possibly have kept down the half of the wrap I had, but after the cake all I could think of was how soon we'd get home so I could go purge. Ughhhhhh.
I'm, like, afraid to eat now. I'm afraid I'll purge just about anything up. And this is only going to lead to binging and purging, instead of the eat-normal-meals-and-purge thing I'm doing now. But I can't help it. I feel gross and food is disgusting and I am NOT putting that shit in my body today. It's just not happening.
I need to cleanse myself of the filth I poison my body with.
I don't want to eat anymore today. I feel disgusting and fat.
I did get some lovely presents, though, including Chapters money and a $20 bill and a bunch of pretty things (dreamcatcher, fountain, etc), and I got to see my aunts and cousins and little second cousins. So it wasn't all bad, but... I wish I hadn't had to purge the whole meal up. I could possibly have kept down the half of the wrap I had, but after the cake all I could think of was how soon we'd get home so I could go purge. Ughhhhhh.
I'm, like, afraid to eat now. I'm afraid I'll purge just about anything up. And this is only going to lead to binging and purging, instead of the eat-normal-meals-and-purge thing I'm doing now. But I can't help it. I feel gross and food is disgusting and I am NOT putting that shit in my body today. It's just not happening.
I need to cleanse myself of the filth I poison my body with.
Daily weigh-in: 138.2. Goddamn these fucking 138s! And for the next two days I have to eat a lot more than I want to -- I'm going to the annual birthday lunch today with relatives, and on Friday night I'm having my party, which will probably mean pizza as well as a ton of candy and pop. Ughhhhhhh. I am SO going to be fasting from this evening until Friday night. I guess you could say I'm going on a 24-hour fast, kind of. I'll be asleep for part of it, but still. I can't eat that kind of shit and NOT not eat in between. Fucking grosssss. :/
One thing I have noticed is just how much birthdays revolve around food. Isn't that disgusting? Major holidays all involve the shovelling in of terrible amounts of calories. I swear human beings are all fucking pigs. Those of us with eating disorders are just the ones who try to control our gluttony.
One thing I have noticed is just how much birthdays revolve around food. Isn't that disgusting? Major holidays all involve the shovelling in of terrible amounts of calories. I swear human beings are all fucking pigs. Those of us with eating disorders are just the ones who try to control our gluttony.
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