A true EDNOS

These days I'm a true Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

I don't usually binge on enough food, or binge and purge consistently enough, to be classified as bulimic, yet I do it often enough that it isn't just occasional and it's probably slightly more serious than a bad habit.

I don't restrict enough to lose much weight (maybe a pound a week, and usually only for spurts of 2-4 weeks at a time these days), and yet I restrict enough that I feel in control of my food intake, and I often deprive myself of the things I really do want.

I've tried intuitive eating a few times, but I never trust that my body will actually have "proper" hunger and fullness cues, and I will actually gain weight while eating the way my body "wants" in order to be "properly nourished" or whatever. In other words, I'm afraid I will overeat, my stomach will expand because of this, and I won't be satiated with proper amounts of food after that because the stomach will be bigger and want more food than I actually need. I don't know how much of that is a legitimate fear and how much is complete crap.

I still associate maintaining, or losing, weight with, among other things, likeability and acceptability in the world. I am terrified of gaining a lot of weight, and some days only barely tolerate my current figure. On the other hand, I have some days where I think the whole notion that I have to be skinny to be acceptable is just ridiculous, and I can look at myself in the mirror and see a normal-sized person who has some smallish good points (like my arms, wrists, calves). But some days I still look at myself and see rolls of fat everywhere, a HUGE midsection; a whale or hippo or elephant in general.

And, of course, I still get the occasional urges to comfort-eat, or, as in last night, to eat high-sugar things because I'm extremely tired and sugar always spikes my energy levels pretty much right away. I'm pretty sure, these days, that I'm a sugar addict. This is why I try to stay away from things that are mostly pure sugar (such as candy or regular soda) most of the time, because I have been addicted to sugar before and I know that I could be again. Most of my problems in this department can be alleviated greatly when I get enough sleep, but I don't always get enough sleep, so when I know I'm tired it's a LOT more work to resist the urges to "binge" on sugariffic things.

So what it is, in a nutshell, is this: me being pulled by three separate "sub-clinical" disorders at varying points. I call it that because none of them are exactly life-threatening or completely life-overtaking at the moment. Bulimia, anorexia (well, restriction), and compulsive overeating. All still have little niggling thoughts fluttering around in my brain, wishing they had chances to pounce. And it's very very confusing, and often very tiresome. Mostly I just have to count my calories and make sure I don't "eat too much", and the cals usually range somewhere around 1000-1200 or so. Enough that I'm not starving, but not enough that I have any doubts that I'm going to gain weight. And that seems to be the only way I can live.

Sometimes I think I should see a nutritionist, but I'm not sure I'd even want to follow a meal plan; but then again, I always wonder what of my knowledge about nutrition is just paranoia on my part, and what is actually fact, and sometimes I think it would be nice to be set straight.

So that is an update on the food life of me. Have fun, kiddos. ;)