If you don't want to listen to me whine and bitch and pity myself, skip this one.

I mean that. I don't want any negative comments on this entry, or even negative thoughts. (PS: Post a negative comment and you're getting an instant permaban.)


I have no empathy anymore.

In fact, I have no emotions anymore.

I don't feel anything deeply. People around me laugh and smile and intuitively enjoy themselves. Sometimes I have moments of superficial happiness; but half the time when I watch other people interact, when I listen to their conversations, my brain will not allow me to just flow with it. After so long it completely shuts off my thought and emotions paths, and says, "What's the point?" Or "That doesn't even matter." Or "That's a waste of time." And then my brain... well, it tries to lead me to other things that are supposedly not a waste of time. But I think my brain is getting it all backwards.

Somehow I managed to train myself to think that anything which was not contributing DIRECTLY to a goal I had set for myself was a waste of time. So, for example, in my goal to become a clinical psychologist, the bachelor's degree, the master's degree, and the internship are not wastes of time. However, everything else is. Every hour I spend working at --place--, every hour I spend engaging in leisure activities or sleeping or eating and whatever... none of that is important. Basically, my brain tells me that the actual act of living is not important -- only those things that contribute to a goal are important. It will not allow me to relax, to take time over anything... instead, after I spend a very short amount of time doing any one activity, my mind automatically tries to make me flit to the next thing. I spend a lot of time on the surface of life these days, and hardly any in its depths. And I absolutely HATE that; but I can't seem to make my thought processes stop doing it.

I think this began to happen when I was pushing myself into restriction. It takes a certain amount of brainwashing to believe that starving yourself for an objective is worthy -- and, of course, part of the rationale would be the end result. So I told myself that it did not matter what was happening here and now -- it didn't matter how shitty I felt or how physically miserable I was or how pathetic my life was in general. Since I had this arbitrary, open-ended goal of restricting food intake and (nearer the end) at least not gaining any weight, if not purposely losing, the rest of my life was unimportant. The goal was what mattered, not the living.

The problem is, I don't know HOW to MAKE my mind flip around. I mean, how exactly do you make yourself enjoy life? How do you force yourself to believe that things are important? How do you force yourself to view life as you saw it before, not as you see it now? How would anyone else actually know, anyway, since what you're trying to artificially accomplish comes more naturally to them than anything else in the world?

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Today my coworker told me that I looked like a clinical psychologist. But then she said something about how I'm not warm, but I'm not entirely cold, either. All I could glean from that was that I'm not wholly aloof or bitchy, but I don't exactly strike people as empathetic or approachable. How the fuck can I possibly be a clinical psychologist if people think I am that remote? Or, worse, if I am that remote?

Something has to change, but I don't see how that is possible. I'm convinced my current psychologist has no clue what the fuck she's doing, evidenced in the fact that she never sticks to her guns about ANYthing, and has never yet given me any solid, constructive feedback that has actually helped me. She does not dig deeply into issues; in fact, if you don't bring an issue up, SHE doesn't, either. She told me that she believes things will come out when the time is right... which, in her world, means you either specifically and pointedly bring it up, or it never ever gets spoken of. Now, forgive me, but ISN'T IT HER JOB TO ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT'S WRONG?? And isn't it also her job to realize that sometimes, when something is hard for a person to talk about, they might skirt around the issue or try not to talk about it at all? Isn't that HUMAN FUCKING NATURE? WHY does she expect me, and apparently all the rest of her patients, to somehow be elevated to superhuman status? It's complete bullshit, and I'm so totally fucking through with her and trying to get through to her, because it will never work. And, actually, she's got me jaded towards all psychologists. If she, supposedly so good and probably one of the best this province has to offer, has no fucking idea how to do her own job, who the hell am I going to find who CAN?

I don't know. I don't know, and I'm incredibly frustrated with it... or as frustrated as I can be when I detach myself from my own emotions most of the time. My guess is that there are a whole bunch of things I find too painful when I let myself actually feel shit, but I wouldn't know, because I have nowhere to safely explore that, not having a psychologist to go to who is any good. You see why I'm NEVER going to get better? You see why I will never achieve my dream of being that (actually good) clinical psychologist, and will end up being a failure who is never able to deal with her own fucking emotions? BECAUSE NOBODY CAN FUCKING HELP ME BECAUSE APPARENTLY I CAN'T FUCKING BE HELPED, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE 100% INSIGHT INTO EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE AND I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY WHEN IN FACT I REALLY WANT THEM TO KEEP PUSHING SO I'LL FEEL LIKE IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO TELL THEM SHIT.