I'm so upset.

I've been REALLY triggered to the restriction a LOT lately, and I'm on the point of actually doing it again. I feel disgusting and unworthy and like everyone else is getting the attention that I could get, too, if I just started restricting again and lost some fucking weight. Plus I feel like I'd look SO much better (read: not fat) if I lost like 10 or 15 lbs, and I really fucking wish I could, and afhgsfdsafhshdfsd.

Maybe I just need a fucking nap. I'm really goddamned tired.

But I'm just so upset these last couple of days. I have actually considered cutting and everything, and I'm starting to hate my life and myself again, starting to feel alone and unwanted and unloved and not understood again, and I don't know where it's all coming from or why it's all hitting me so hard NOW or what the fuck I can even do about it. Or if I even care about doing anything about it.

My goals are meaningless. My life is useless. It really doesn't matter if I sit down, withdraw from everyone, and slowly fade away until I am just a memory -- if I even become that. It doesn't matter what I do at all, because no matter what I do, I am never any happier and nobody ever understands me any better and I am always, always motherfucking ALONE.

WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO KEEP LIVING THIS KIND OF STUPID LIFE, EVEN AFTER I HAVE SUPPOSEDLY COME SO FAR IN MY "RECOVERY"? WHY??????