So a friend expressed interest in hearing from me, and I wanted to write something somewhere this morning, so I figured this journal was as good a place as any. Probably the most private place I have right now, actually... but I'll explain that in a second.

Emotionally, I've been feeling pretty much like crud. I've also been ridiculously bulimic, for me, and it's starting to drive me crazy... and sometimes I feel like I mean that literally. As Marya put it (probably not verbatim), it's starting to take on a life and force of its own -- and it's getting ridiculous and out of control, and I really have to try and put a stopper on it NOW before it spins so far out of control that I can't see myself without it. If that happens, I don't know if I actually will be able to stop.

I know I'm just doing it to cope. It's not even about the weight loss anymore -- although I wouldn't mind losing some more weight, if I'm being perfectly honest here. The fact is, though, that I'm not really actively restricting per se. I think I'm eating enough to sustain myself -- I really do -- and that's the aim. Overeating makes me uncomfortable and horribly guilty, so I have to try and avoid that at all costs. The problem is that when I get the urges to overeat, they are difficult for me to resist; or, I start doing it because at that particular moment I'm apathetic, and then as I continue I start to feel panic-ridden and guilty and start thinking about how I can get it out of me when I'm finished. Usually, of course, that leads to a binge, because if I'm going to be a pig anyway, why not do the thing until it's done? That's what I always think. If I ate that much, I might as well eat more, and get rid of the whole lot of it once I'm done.

I'm still petrified of gaining any weight at all. I am around 127 at the moment, and for me 130 is the absolutely intolerable limit. If I got to 130, it feels like, my whole world would crash down around me, and remain in pieces until I dropped a few pounds. It's pretty ridiculous that 3 or 4 pounds matters so much to me, but it really does, and it continues to boggle my mind while at the same time I almost feel like a scale worshipper. I mean, I know I've been WAY worse than I am now -- daily weigh-ins, anxiety if not actively losing, etc -- but the fact that this still has such a strong hold on me is just ridiculous. And yet it continues along like this.

I also feel like my outlets for venting are becoming fewer. Just recently I had one of my sister's friends subscribe to me on YouTube -- which, of course, means that there's a 99% chance that my sister now knows about the account, too. So this makes me feel like I can't be open about anything I'm currently struggling with, ED-wise or otherwise, since she might see it. Naturally this also made me start thinking: Who else might be able to stumble upon my channel that I wouldn't want watching? So this makes me think about what subjects I can cover when I am afraid that other family might watch, coworkers, even people who I have on Facebook or whatever that know me distantly. And it makes me want to hugely censor myself; and the fact that I have to do that at all makes me very angry. But I guess it was kind of inevitable that one day I would be discovered by someone, and "outed", so to speak. I hate having to enter the realm of private videos, sent only to my Friends list, but that's exactly what I'm going to have to do. *heavy sigh*

Anyway, I have to go. I have to be at work shortly, so I have to leave... er, now. Hopefully some of you read this, though. That would be nice. I feel really alone lately, misunderstood, blah blah blah... but I think some of you will understand some of what I've written here. I really hope so, anyway.

Au revoir.