I live with madness in my head.

Snippet from an IM conversation today:

NiikaChiCk: You know what i figured out is so hard about recovery for me?
NiikaChiCk: I essentially get thoughts from ALL sides of the disordered spectrum, all the time.
NiikaChiCk: I should restrict. No, I should try to eat normally, and b/p when I have a craving. No, I should restrict, and b/p so I can maintain restriction. No, I should eat normally without binging or purging, but I can have sweets if I want them. Yes, I should count calories. No, I should forget that calories exist. I can eat whatever I want as long as it's healthy. Fuck it, I'm just going to binge on whatever the hell I want to eat. Now I'm a fatass. Must lose weight. Weight is not everything. Maintenance is better.
NiikaChiCk: ARGH.
NiikaChiCk: Restrict. B/p. Binge. Overeat. Moderate. What the fuck is it gonna be this day, this hour, this minute?
NiikaChiCk: I never know
NiikaChiCk: Lose weight slowly, lose weight quickly, maintain weight, not care about weight, work out, be lazy... ???
NiikaChiCk: blaarhgdksghjsdfg.


How the hell do I deal with a thought process that's essentially a chaotic jumble of EVERY FUCKING DISORDER EVER???

I have no idea... but I have to try. Because this is the only life I'm ever going to get, and I have things I want to do, and I don't want to waste my limited time obsessing over all this shit.


Fuckity.