I've had a very binge-y day today... a small "breakfast", a fairly large meal at work, then McDonald's for supper tonight, after a few cookies and before a "dessert" (aka end-of-a-binge) of three chocolate-coated granola bars. And then half a glass of caffeine-free Diet Pepsi with four Aldactone. (Aldactone would be the potassium-sparing diuretics I mentioned an entry or two ago.) Not that the Aldactone really helped much... but perhaps it helped a little, or will help more later when things are digested better. I hope so anyway.

I suppose I knew this was coming, though. I've been purging far too much lately -- lost a couple of pounds, which really isn't a big deal since I'm nowhere near underweight, but I always tend to freak out a bit when I lose any weight at all. It's stupid, but it's like losing a pound or two = OMG YOU'RE STARVING YOURSELF AGAIN AREN'T YOU YOU IDIOT. Which I'm really actually NOT, since I tend to eat a fairly healthy breakfast and lunch every day, at the very least; but there's still some block in my brain against even semi-deliberate weight loss. Sometimes I even think that this is the reason I've gained weight... because gaining, in my mind, is better than losing. Gaining means I am not conforming to completely stupid and brainwashing societal ideals of thinness, and it also means I am definitely not even close to starving to death. And, yes, I realize how illogical this all sounds... but it is how my brain works.

I severely need to go to bed now, though. I am tired out of my freaking mind. I was supposed to finish a math assignment tonight, but couldn't because I couldn't concentrate at all due to being completely miserable -- and then, of course, just as my mood was just beginning to lift, fatigue slammed its iron fist deep into my belly and brain. Soooo... no math for me tonight. Oh fucking well. I'll get done what I can get done tomorrow morning / early afternoon, and that will have to be good enough. And if it isn't, well, it's my own fucking fault again, isn't it?

I am terribly afraid this will be a repeat of my last school semester -- which ended with me dropping all my courses and getting zero money back for any of them. I do NOT want that to happen again. CANNOT let it happen. And yet... I am already unable to concentrate properly on my work. This really, really is not a good sign.

Bulimia frequency increase? Check.
SI frequency increase? Check.
Self-hatred and self-destruction taking over? Check.
And now... schoolwork going amiss? Another fucking check.


I wonder just how many checks it will take before really bad things start to happen.