I used to think that things like a truly good, meaningful life, intimate relationships, and fulfillment just didn't exist. My thinking has enlightened some since those times: I believe, now, that these things can possibly exist... for other people. But I do not truly believe they will happen for me.

To have these things in my life would take a truly remarkable combinations of the right circumstances, as well as the right people coming into my life at the right times. What are the fucking chances that it will ever happen? I just don't think my life is set up in such a way as to allow me to be receptive to anything so good as the things which I crave. I don't, in short, believe that idealism will ever come true for me. Ever.

The only reason, therefore, that I have any hope at all is because, if I can't live IN the things I most desire, at least I can sit on the fringes and watch. At least I can know it's there... and maybe I can drink some of it in by proxy.

Maybe.

I apologize if this wasn't truly coherent. I have to admit I recently came off a bit of a b/p, and as such I am not quite as clearheaded as usual right now.