I really feel like I'm about to give up on life, and soon.

I don't care about anything anymore. I'm tired. Actually, to be more accurate, I'm absolutely fucking exhausted. I spent most of today lying in bed and/or sleeping. My physical body itself is run down, tired, wants to rest. And my mental state is deteriorating, too. I really just want to go to bed for a few days, at least, and maybe afterwards crawl out and do something remotely productive. But that's a big maybe.

I was a little pissed that, because I've been working and/or going to school seven days a week, every week, I had to skip psych class today because I so desperately needed a break. It's a bunch of fucking bullshit that I'd have to skip a course that I'm PAYING for just because my assistant manager's too fucking lazy to try and vary my shifts a little. I'm going to have to call her sometime tomorrow -- probably in the morning before I leave for school -- and ask her to please only schedule me for either Saturday OR Sunday of every week. And if she doesn't start doing it, it's going to have to be ultimatum time: I need it done, or I need to quit. I can survive financially off my savings for awhile, although I don't really want to, and then in the summer I could look for a different full-time job. But I really don't want it to have to come to that. I mean, I don't anticipate her being unreasonable. I just like to plan for every contingency.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go lie down for awhile now. Hopefully the (mild, potassium-sparing) diuretics I took not too long ago will begin to work their magic soon. I can literally feel the excess water weight under my skin, in my cheeks, and I want it to go away. I could care less if diuretics are supposedly unhealthy -- I will not take being bloated like this. I think half of it has to do with the fact that I just got my period, anyway, and some of it possibly has to do with me not having had my daily coffee today. Not that I wanted the caffeine, being as exhausted as I am. But you know.

Things I plan to do in the future, maybe within the next few weeks:
~ Get my bottle of vodka back from my friends' house
~ Buy water pills from [store] (maybe)
~ Buy Hoodia from somewhere (maybe)
~ Buy more sleep aids -- I'm running low, and sometimes I get too anxious to fall asleep easily when I need to

I just really, really wish I had some fucking benzos or something -- maybe calm my crazed anxiety a little. But I can't get any without visiting someone that has a prescription pad and explaining my anxiety to them in detail, and even then I might just get prescribed an SSRI or something like that. Which isn't to say I don't need one, because sometimes I think maybe I do... but, being the impulsive person that I am, I really like the quick-action effects of benzodiazepines. Or, you know, maybe I just wish I had some more medications to use and abuse at will. Either or.


I really do think I'm starting to fall, you know. I do.