A lot of the time, lately, I just want to give up on life. Altogether. I know I'm not supposed to want that -- not according to "everyone" -- but I do want it a lot.

Things are just too fucking hard.

I have been binging ridiculously lately, mostly without purging (although I still purge... just not enough to get even most of it out), and my weight has been ballooning. I don't even want to give number details. All I know is that I'm completely fucking sick of myself. Sick of my horribly fat, flabby body. Sick of constantly shovelling shit in my mouth. Sick of eating everything in sight, regardless of calories or quantities or anything.

It's funny. Sometimes I think we don't even picture restricting as a "real" disorder. I'm just doing it to stay skinny, we say; I'm just doing it so I don't get fat. But when we suddenly flip the coin and revert to binging insanely, all of a sudden that becomes a disorder. All of a sudden we're disturbed by our abnormal eating patterns, by the way we deal with our emotions through food. Of course, restriction is exactly the same, only with the opposite action taken, but it's so much easier to be in denial.

I can't be in denial anymore -- not when I'm eating like this. I think I have a motherfucking problem now. The only trouble is that I'm pretty damned convinced that nobody is going to understand, because all anyone ever focuses on in the treatment of eating disorders is improving your body image, improving your relationship with food, etc. That's all superficial bullshit. The real problem is trying to fix the emotional problems that cause the EDs in the first place; but nobody ever seems to give a damn about fixing THAT. In fact, I am really starting to believe that nobody cares about fixing underlying emotional whatevers at all. All any therapist, psychiatrist, dietician thinks of is symptoms, symptoms, symptoms, and how to get you to stop having them. Once that's done, they always think you're magically cured. ONLY I'M NOT FUCKING MAGICALLY CURED. All getting rid of the behaviors did was make me more alone than I already was -- make me lack anybody to ever talk to -- make me feel pressure to continue being "normal", so I don't make everyone else feel like shit on my behalf.

I am tired of this... all of this. I am tired of behaving well, and feeling like I can't or shouldn't do anything self-destructive, because I need to maintain outward appearances, keep everyone else happy. I AM NOT HAPPY!! But it doesn't even fucking matter if I'm not actually happy, as long as I keep acting happy, because nobody can tell the fucking difference anyway!!!

ARGH!!!!!