Today and yesterday I was 101. That makes my BMI 17.5. Percentile as it relates to the average American's weight for a woman my age and height: 9th. Clinically underweight. Yadda yadda yadda. But it is not good enough. I am not good enough. And I feel that losing more weight is the only way I have right now of even trying to be good enough. So I must pursue it as much as I am able to. I know that is a fucked-up way of thinking... so why don't I stop? Why does it seem that even when I try to, I can't stop?

I dislike my life in general right now. Everything seems just a bit useless, just a bit pointless. I go through every day, do most of the things I need to do, but I'm like a puppet -- going through the motions instead of truly living. I'm not really connected to any of it. This ED puts a barrier between me and others -- between me and the world. It is a hazy screen which I must always look through these days, because it never seems to go away.

Doldrum and loneliness.