Yet another set of crossposted entries. Not too many this time.


September 15th, 2009

105.6. WTF OMG. How the FUCK did I become such a fat fucking heifer?

This needs to change. NOW. I don't fucking care anymore. I cannot gain back 2+ lbs in 3 days. This is ridiculous, not to mention disgusting. I will not let it continue. I cannot.

Fuck my life.


In reply to this, a friend wrote: 'How is that disgusting? 105 lbs is nothing, you must be teeny tiny.'


September 15th, 2009 (Part 2)

I am still a size 3/5 in pants, although I do wear a small in shirts. I'm not sure if I'm still a small B or have become an A cup, but either way I still have boobs. And body fat. My friend saw me today and said I looked "rather fit", as I had lost weight and "had color in my cheeks". I mean, come on... I can't be that bad if H is telling me I look athletic and healthy, can I? Really?

I know what you're getting at... I know I'm not objectively "large". It's just that I'm nowhere near truly "small", IMHO, and everything that objective observers say seems to confirm that. If I was REALLY "small", people would look at me and think I was skinny, not fit. They probably wouldn't think I looked healthy, either. Therefore I must not be very small.

I know this logic is stupid. It works in my mind only because I'm completely fucked in the head. And none of my professionals seem to care how fucked in the head I am right now, and none of my friends are qualified to deal with my shit, so why should I care? Why should I try anymore?

The truth is, I don't care as much, and I'm getting tired of trying. It's just that I also get tired of my life being complete shit. So, essentially, I'm stuck. There is no right way out of this. There is no anything. And I am so tired of living nothingness and meaninglessness.


September 16th, 2009

104 today. Well, at least it's not 105.6. Can't say I'm super thrilled about the actual number, though, still.

Had coffee for breakfast, and a big garden salad with light Italian and a bottle of Diet Pepsi for lunch. I would have considered something slightly more substantial for lunch, but it's Formers' Night at M House, meaning they cook supper for everybody. M House is a social support I value dearly, and I know I probably ought to eat a real meal once in awhile, so I'm going. Plus we have choir afterwards, and they're serving food when we're finished practice, which I know I will probably eat unless I eat the M House supper first. Rumor has it the choir food will be KFC... so I'll take a properly balanced meal over grease, thanks. :|

Had an interesting session with psychologist today. Maybe I'll write about it at some point.

Au revoir.


September 18th, 2009

103. BMI: 17.8. Of course, on a doctor's scale I would be higher, so it's still not even close to good enough yet.

B/ped three times last night. I do it at least once a day now. I've had a little extra money, so I've been buying extra random, fun yummies to b/p on, such as the garlic fingers and onion rings I bought last night. Still have half of what I bought left in my fridge. Have a feeling it will get consumed tonight.

I'm weaker, more tired. I slept a ton yesterday & am still tired. It really wouldn't matter how long I slept, I don't think... I would still be just as fatigued. If I want to be less tired I have to eat more -- I know that -- but I simply cannot do that right now. So I will put up with the tired, and whatever else happens. The random shakiness I sometimes get when I tense my hands. The dizziness I get for a few moments when standing. The muscle aches I get now and again. The headaches. All these things are really minor. Hell, I was medically cleared a few weeks ago -- everything was perfect. My body seems to completely resist medical instability, and I don't care anyway, so why the fuck should I worry?

Life goes on, and I trail along behind it.