I feel so... depressed today. Depressed lately. These last 2-3 days, for sure. It's one of those blank depressions where you're content to just sit and stare at the wall for an hour at a time. When almost all your thoughts just stop, and you have no desire to do anything, ever. Where you wish all your bodily functions and needs would cease, so you would never ever have to move, because you're so exhausted, such a shell, that the mere act of moving seems to take a momentous amount of energy. Where somewhere below all the blankness lies an incredible sadness, which if you could access it and let it out might make you cry for hours, cry until you couldn't produce tears any longer. But you never can. So you are blank, empty, miserable, and left wishing someone would just perform a mercy killing and free you from this fog once and for all. Only for some reason everyone seems to want you alive. You can't imagine why.

Yeah... that's exactly what I feel like right now. Even my food issues don't seem to want to bother me so much, although I'm still restricting because it's familiar, not to mention that when I eat a lot of food at once I seem to have trouble digesting it. Just to give an example: I woke up nauseous after about 5-6 hours' sleep last night, because I had eaten onion rings at around 10:30 or 11 PM, but was still burping them up at 6:30 AM (I woke up at around 5:30). So, essentially, they spent all night rotting in my stomach. Not an experience I desire to repeat.

I am mad at, and disappointed with, myself for not dealing with my issues generally. All sorts of people are actually experiencing real recovery, because they're going through all the pain and misery, and sooner or later, slowly or quickly, are coming out the other end. But me... I'm still running. I'm still avoiding, and dodging, and doing whatever I can to put up all the barriers possible so that no one can ever truly get to me. I'm afraid. Actually, I'm terrified. But that's no excuse. All those other people are afraid, too, and yet they're doing it. N was right. I am a coward.

The only good things I can say about life since [around a week ago] is that I have not SIed since then, and my student loan should be in by late next week. Which isn't exactly timely, but at least I'm getting it.

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