Crossposted from forum.


I need to write in here before I go completely insane.

Feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Mind trying to disconnect from itself, fly away into nothingness. I am not real in moments like this. I do not exist at all. This body is a shell, oozing some pseudo semblance of humanity. Pretending to be something they call human; but there is really nothing here at all.

I cannot deal with myself or how I am, how I feel, and it is why I turn and have turned to so many addictive behaviors over the years. Cutting. Bulimia. Starving. The occasional alcohol binges, smoking up to get oblivious, cravings for benzos and painkillers and hallucinogens. I just want to get away from this slimy, filthy, needy thing that I am, that worms and threads itself through me as the veins through my limbs and torso and brain. But I can't. I can never get away. But I can't deal, either.

I don't know what this means, or where this is going, or anything. I think I'm a little dissociated right now, partially induced by bulimia, but also partially just by my own head, by the ways it naturally wants to go when given the opportunity. And right now my brain, my consciousness, wants to be anywhere, anywhere but right here.

Fuck my fucking life. Seriously. I'm never going to learn how to do any of this shit right.