So yesterday I had some kind of... breakthrough. You can tell me after you read this if you think it's good or bad. It happened with basically no warning whatsoever, which is why I am suspicious that the Risperdal may actually have had something to do with it, though I guess I can't really know for sure.

The first thing was that I began noticing I was feeling things. A lot of things. I haven't had so many strong emotions in a long time. But the thing that was more amazing was that it didn't bother me to feel them. I could sit there and experience all these feelings -- joy, sadness, loneliness -- without feeling my usual urge to go do something about them. Once I realized this, I started thinking a little further, and realized... oh my god... I didn't feel like binging.

What the actual fuck, right? This urge to binge has been my nemesis for months, years. It seems to matter little what my weight is, except that when I'm lower in weight I get it more intensely, for obvious reasons. But yesterday I realized... thinking about it in a way that would usually trigger me into wanting to binge SO BAD... that I could actually resist the urges if I wanted to. I mean, yes, I was at school and didn't quite have access to binge food at that particular moment; but not long before that, I had been able to resist only because of lack of binge food, and suddenly I just realized I had... a choice. I had... control.

I hadn't realized just how bad this bulimia thing really was until it was suddenly gone. Until I lacked the desperate NEED to stuff food in my mouth, even when I didn't want to purge, or sometimes even when I didn't want to eat at all. I can't explain how fucking freeing this feels. It really honest to God feels like magic or something. It's crazy.

Of course, I doubt the drug because the doctor told me it would probably take a week to start seeing therapeutic effects, and I've only been on this for five nights so far. Maybe, psychologically, I've been working up to this moment, and that's why it happened. Maybe maybe maybe. But I also doubt myself, and so I will keep taking this drug. Out of fear; out of delight.

The problem, however, is also going to be the very same thing that got rid of the bulimia: the fact that I have control. Because now it seems like nothing to restrict, to lose weight, and I also feel like I am on some sort of ridiculous high doing it. I don't like the few lbs I gained, and I still have all those goal weights I never met, and I feel like I can DO this now, and it feels so fucking GREAT, so why wouldn't I do it?!?! It's almost mania-like, except that I still have that control, and people who are manic don't actually have control. (This drug is prescribed to COUNTER manic highs.) So then I thought... fasting high? But why didn't I have it before, if that's what it is? Lord knows that back in August/September I starved harder than I am starving now, and felt worse doing it. Why this better feeling now?

So... is this truly good, or actually bad, or a little of both? It confuses the hell out of me. I do think it puts me in a better position to actually recover -- I can actually control my urges to b/p, at least for now -- but what of this possibility of unleashed, non-painful anorexia? That can't possibly be a good thing, but, again, I feel like it would be FANTASTIC, and it feels fantastic... and I can no more resist this feeling right now than I could resist b/p urges before.

What an odd fucking life I have sometimes. Lol. Seriously. Does this kind of shit actually happen to other people? It's completely and utterly absurd.