I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be myself, or really be anyone else. I don't want to have to actively work at changing what I am, what I eat, what I do in my life, how I feel. It is all so tiring, and I am so tired, and sick of trying so hard when all it does is make me more and more and more tired.

I just want to not be so tired. So jaded. I want to believe the world means something, only I know that's bullshit. I spent my teen years trying to find meaning, connection, love, and look where I ended up. I got nothing. No answers, no one I can have a real relationship with and also be real, no one with whom I feel I can truly, totally show myself and be who I truly am. I can't be vulnerable; I can't be "with myself", present, just feeling what I feel; I can't be truly happy, or have true self-love, or actually WANT to take care of myself.

I am nothingness, and my head is being pulled back into the black hole.