I thought I'd repost something I just wrote to someone in a comment, because I thought it was rather illuminating regarding why I keep going with this eating disorder. The girl posted talking about wanting to get attention from her boyfriend through the eating disorder.

My ED actually has a lot to do with wanting people's attention, and affection. If I felt like I had that from people, no matter what I looked like or what I did to myself or how horrible I was, I'd not need to do any of it anymore. But that seems like too much to hope for. *sigh*

Sometimes I wish I actually thought of this eating disorder as a bad thing. However, I spend more of my time playing with the eating disorder, and enjoying how terrible it makes me feel physically -- enjoying not eating for long periods and eating very minimally when I do eat. Enjoying my own self-destruction, as I've been known to do.

It's no wonder I feel like I'm never going to get better from borderline. With a history like mine -- cutting since age fifteen, six overdoses, eight hospitalizations total, and now this -- what are the chances? I mean, honestly? It's hoping against hope.

The eating disordered already had it down pat!

I found this paragraph in an article on MSN about the tips and tricks of weighing oneself:

It's a subject of debate, but the latest research suggests it's a good idea to step on the scale every day: A new study from Brown and Duke Universities showed that 61 percent of people who weighed themselves daily stayed within 5 pounds of their starting weight, compared to just 32 percent who weighed in less often. Why? Daily monitoring helped them catch weight gain early and take counteractive steps. For best results, weigh yourself in the morning (when we tend to weigh the least) after going to the bathroom, before breakfast, and while wearing little to no clothing.

I mean, what moderate to severely eating-disordered person doesn't already know that? It's amazing to think how specified and yet extensive people's knowledge gets when they have eating disorders. We know a shitload more about food, weight, and calories than most other people in the world, aside from people who are professionals in these fields (and some of us may know just as much as them). When you think about it... that's kind of cool.

One thing's for sure: If any of us fully recover, or just dance the precarious line between ED and eating well, we'll probably be better nutritioned and in better physical shape than the majority of other people in first-world countries. Just think about that.

109.2 lbs.

Nearly froze my arse off today walking home from the grocery store (which is about ten minutes from my house). It's only 9C (48F) outside -- add wind chill and a relatively light "jacket" and you have COLD. Well, at least when you put an eating disordered kid inside the light jacket. When I got in the house my hands and ears felt just like they would if I'd been walking during a winter's day. This makes me a bit scared for what winter has in store for me. But I'll deal with that when the time comes.

I've eaten so little so far today that it ought to scare me, but it doesn't. Not really, anyway. I just know that if I force myself to eat now, I'll be silently giving myself permission to stretch my stomach even further by eating even more calories -- which I have done before, and which I do not want to do again. So I am resisting eating when I don't want to eat, even if it means eating fewer calories. Whatev'.

I'm really just going for broke right now -- it's all or nothing at this point. And y'all get to watch as I start my descent down the hill in a railway trolley, my hand not even on the brake. Soon not even I will recognize my own face, so speedy and imminent will my descent be.

Reached my STG of 110! Oh, happy day! It's funny how well starvation diets work. And by funny I mean completely obvious.



It's the chance of life
Get ready, set, fly high
Above the fear of your mind
Go for it
It's hit or miss
Too late for you to quit
You gotta show 'em how bad you really want this

Today: 110.6. Back at my lowest weight.

Must. Get. Lower.

This morning I weighed in at 110.8, my second-lowest weight EVER. I was so happy when I saw that number on the scale... and more motivated than ever, despite the fact that I'm getting slightly fed up with my stomach growling all the time. (Maybe this should be my cue to pop in a piece of gum?)

Also, I've only had 265 cals so far today, AND I kept it to about 600 yesterday.

I'm slowly but surely getting back there. And it feels good.

"Perfectionism and thinness. Organization and success. Those are the voices that I am filled with. Those are the voices that control me. Those are the voices that are always whispering [screaming] sweetly to me."

-- taken from here.

Starving For Perfection

Today was my third day in a row of purging at night, after eating shit foods in the evenings.

I swear I can practically feel it killing me every time I do it, but I still can't. Fucking. Stop.

Clearly, this is why they call it a disorder. Stupid, stupid girl. Did you really think you could escape it that easily?

It would rather be dead than fat. So I guess I must rather that, too. Only, in my heart of hearts, I wouldn't rather be dead than fat. Anything is better than dead, isn't it? But I don't even really believe I could die from this, despite my general hypochondria about everything ED-related... if that makes any sense at all. It probably doesn't.

Why am I a walking contradiction?

So today? I weighed in at 112.4. YESSSSSS. Finally I'm losing something again!!! I don't even care if it's just water weight or whatever. I loooost :D :D.

Maybe protein is the most important source of calories after all!

Skinniness gene imperils survival of the fattest

For those who might be interested... this is a preview for a documentary about eating disorders, which is due to air on November 14th.

http://people.aol.com/people/video/0,27189,1540902,00.html

One thousand calories today. Less than I've had on any other day for like... two weeks now. Absolutely, terrificially gross. I know this. But maybe it's better to get myself back into it gradually. Makes me less likely to rebel that way. I think/hope/presume/something.

I am still trying to figure out why I do this to myself. Why why why? Every bit of logic I have tells me, "You don't need to not eat. Most people in this world DO eat, you know. There's a reason food tastes good." Etc etc. But I fight it as nonsense, often. Other times I give in and eat. Is that because I'm smart or stupid? Because I'm weak or strong? Because I'm fighting or giving up -- stepping forward or stepping back -- retreating or moving ahead? I don't know anymore. I'm confused. And I never did know my own mind.

So, let's see. I have figured out that I have a protein and iron deficiency. Hence, I have started yet another new "diet plan", which includes 50g protein a day and 99 point something percent of my iron. My problem, of course, will be sticking to it. It's 750 cals a day, so it shouldn't be that hard, one would think. My problem is that when I get into the kitchen and I've already eaten something, eating something else just doesn't seem like a big deal. I stuffed an extra rice cake into me tonight. That's not so bad, as mistakes go -- only 60 calories extra -- but it's just really sad that I couldn't even stick to my goals on the FIRST DAY. Why, girl, why???

However, right now I'm kinda in depressed mode and don't want to eat (plus I feel like shit for already breaking my very carefully detailed new plan), so maybe I can last the rest of the night with nothing other than my allotted cup of Kamut Puffs, and possibly two more scrambled egg whites, if I can stand them. Hope I can do it. I am really anxious to start losing weight again. I hate being stuck at this stupid 114 pounds!! Grrrrrr...