Weighed in at 126 today -- which is actually really good, because for the last several days I've been weighing in in the late 120s, and even had a 130-point-something day. I'm pretty sure the scale was higher because I stopped taking my Remeron. Even in the hospital I noticed that Remeron really dehydrated me for the first several days that I was taking it, so the fact that I've been edemic for several days since coming off it really shouldn't surprise me. However, I think my body's water contents are starting to balance again now, so I'm returning to the weight I was before I started retaining water: around 125-126.

I know that such a weight, given my height, build, and the fact that I am a fully developed adult woman now, is perfectly normal. It's even, god forbid, a decent weight for me to stay at. It's really too bad that my eating disorder doesn't agree. All it knows is that my pants are a lot tighter now -- my tighter sweaters show newly rounded love handles -- I jiggle, to the point of pain, when I jog or otherwise jump or run around during exercise. It's just ridiculous. And my brain just keeps telling me I have to get rid of it. "Why did you let them make you fat? God. Now you have to 'diet' again to get rid of it." Because it prefers the word diet. Restriction seems like a death sentence, but 'diet' seems like a simple weight loss technique. Because that's what I keep thinking of it as. "Well, all I want to do is lose weight. That's not really an eating disorder, is it?"

Fooling myself. I know. But it doesn't even feel like fooling -- because I really do want to lose the "extra" weight. And I know I can, because I've done it before. I even know how, to the point that restricting is almost an instinctive thing. I know the foods I "shouldn't" have; I know the calories, at least generally, in pretty much anything I would be willing to regularly consume and get the calories from. I know how it's done. I know.

So, my mind says, why should you bother trying to fight that? You don't want to stay FAT, do you? You don't want to have to keep buying bigger sizes you don't even plan to have fit you in a few months, do you? You don't want to be a fattie with no control, do you? DO you?

And then my mind says back: "Well, no, no I don't."

And I don't even WANT to fight that. Because it seems perfectly normal to me. I mean, who actually wants to be fat?

Fifteen pounds. Gotta lose 15 lbs. Maybe more after; but 15 lbs minimum. Gotta be back to 110 again.

Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. You don't have to tell me.

So how would y'all feel about another about-face? Lol. But yeah... I woke up with a new determination to restrict, including a plan to do it differently so that it works better. Meaning that I won't wait a million hours before I eat anything at all. When I do that I set myself up for bingey sort of eating, and I don't want to do that.

I am so... god, I don't even know what. Confucked. Which would be a combination of confused and fucked. And extreme. Was I really like this before -- everything flipping back and forth from one thing to the other, with no spectrum in between? Restriction, or eating anything I take it into my head to eat? How bloody annoying.

Well, we'll see what happens in coming days. Clearly I am as changeable as the wind, so don't expect me to remain in one mindset for any length of time! Haha. Oooops. :P

Some things I have slowly come to realize about my eating disorder since I've been home:

1. Having one was not only a way to stuff down my feelings, but a major inconvenience to any possible plans I could have for my life. I, at least, cannot get good grades in school and not eat, all at the same time.
2. I will never learn to deal with the shit that holds me down if I keep running to restriction like it will solve all my problems.
3. Restriction has never solved any of my problems.
     In fact, I think restriction created more problems than it actually solved.
4. Life wasn't very fun when I was constantly anxious and obsessed about food, and missing fun things simply because I couldn't be around the food.
5. My eating disorder was like an experimental garment.
6. I am OUT OF THAT GARMENT now, as much as I think I ever can be post-treatment, because if I go back into it again it will possess my brain that much more the next time, and be way more difficult to let go of.
7. If I ever intend to do anything worthwhile with my life, it's going to have to be without the eating disorder, because when I had the eating disorder I was totally incapable of doing anything, including school.
8. I have all my older coping mechanisms to fall back on, anyway. I can eat and still be able to be just as self-destructive as I ever was. That may seem like small comfort; but the eating disorder was never my primary coping mechanism, so if I do give it up once and for all, I will have other mechanisms.
9. Nobody who has an eating disorder, when it comes down to it, actually has any fun having an eating disorder. People with serious eating disorders are afraid of gaining even a fraction of a pound; they are afraid of food; they are afraid of the power that food has over them. They live their lives in constant anxiety. What kind of a life is that REALLY? The only thing anybody gets out of it is thinness, and some don't even get that. It's pretty miserable when you really look at it.
10. I think I needed to gain back weight in the program I was in, and get out of the semi-starvation state there, but I honestly think I can take the rest from here, if I do something instead of starve myself to deal with my emotions.

... yeeeah.

So I decided to fuck up the fast for one piece of apple pie...

... and then my mother has the fucking GALL to comment, as she watched me eating it, "THAT's not a very healthy supper, now, is it??"

I was so pissed that I almost threw the fucking pie back in her FACE. I DID throw what remained of it right into the garbage can.

I'm not even mad that I ate. Frankly, I don't even care. I am just so ANGRY that when I finally did decide to eat something, all I get is a fucking comment about how UNHEALTHY it is... not that it's any of her fucking business whether what I eat is healthy or not!

God, I fucking hate her sometimes!!

This fast isn't even hard for me.
Because I don't deserve to eat.
I don't deserve to sustain my life with food.
I don't deserve health or weight maintenance or any of that.

People who were worth something would deserve it,
but I'm not worth anything, in my own opinion (which is the only one that matters to me right now),
so I don't deserve it.

I hate myself so bad -- and I've hated myself for so long -- that I'm starting to doubt it will ever go away.

I never cared about my weight, not really. I just care that by eating, I'm willfully sustaining my life.
I'm saying, "I feel okay, and I'm okay with living."

But I'm not.
So eating is just fucking out of the question, isn't it?

I don't even care if my metabolism stops. Let it.
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING EAT ANYMORE.
And that is ALL I care about.
Losing weight will just be a pleasant by-product.
Which I don't deserve, really, but I deserve even less to be "healthy".

So fuck it.
Bring on the starvation.
I'm ready for it.

Miss Slim 'n' Trim

Today the first thing my aunt said to me was, "So how's Miss Slim 'n' Trim??" This was, of course, right before she got a good look at the new, fatter me. Not that she said anything about that, or even looked at me funny, but she didn't need to. I know what's happened, and that's enough for me.

I intend to earn that nickname back again.

I'm not even going to bother weighing myself today. I know I'm a fatass... why do I need to hear it one more time?

I'll probably weigh myself tomorrow, though, just to see what I am at the start of the fast, so I can see how the weight progresses throughout the fast. I can hopefully at least lose some of this gross water weight on the fast, if nothing else. I honestly don't even care WHERE the weight comes from on my body, as long as it COMES OFF, and FAST. I can't stand looking at myself at this weight. I'm so fucking huge it's driving me crazy.

Can't wait for the fast. Fast fast fast. But in the meantime, I have to be a motherfucking fatass for one more day. *heavy sigh*

niika is emotionally distant.

I bet no one's surprised that you never post your current mood. In fact, I bet most of your friends are so sick of you locking them out of your life that they hate you behind your back. Shame.

wanna know your lj's moodring color? enter your user name and hit the button. (discussion thread)

I am such a motherfucking fatass. Fatass fatass FATASS.

I think I want to go on a five-day fast, starting on Monday. Start getting rid of some of this disgusting fat.

So apparently I GAINED 1.4 lbs from yesterday. How annoying.

I am setting my teeth, sailing in, with a trace of a satisfied, knowing grin.


Fitday says I need to lose 2.01 lbs a week, now, to get to my goal. A normal meal plan is 2000 cals, so to get the deficit, simple mathematics tells me I need 1000 calories of deficit per day to make a 7000 cal deficit per week. This means I cannot eat a single calorie above 1000 cals per day, if I hope to reach my goal.

So what happened last night -- a little relaxation on my part -- can't happen if I want to lose this weight. And I want to be what I was before -- small. Right now I'm just that silly, undesireable thing that everyone calls "normal". I have no fucking interest in remaining at "normal". I want to be better than that. I want to have willpower and control and all that stuff, all over again. I want to be thin. I do. I really do.

I did a My Virtual Model pic of me now and me at 110 lbs. The girl at 110 lbs looks so much better. When the picture transformed from 125 lbs to 110 a coating of fat fell off, right before my very eyes, and I saw that it was good. Since some of you are probably now interested in seeing that picture, here it is:


Girl #1 is average -- boring -- blah. Girl #1 is a size 5-7, with thunder thighs and an ugly belly and a layer of fat over all bones. Girl #2 is the weight I was before I gained 15+ motherfucking pounds while supposedly eating a normal amount of food (well, there goes THAT idea). Her arms are much thinner -- the sort of arms I had before. Her torso is vastly imprived. Her thighs would still touch, as mine always did despite weight loss, but you can tell that they are much less volumous in comparison.

Girl #2, I await thee. And in 15 or so pounds, I will be you. Again.

I can't wait.

Ten Foods You Should NEVER Eat!

I don't think even the H-wood dietician could disagree with these! O.o

Half a cup of All Bran + half a cup of nonfat strawberry yogurt = a lovely 151-cal breakfast, with a shitload of fiber to boot! I highly recommend it! :D

The Start Of All Things

The adrenaline is starting to pump through my system.

This could be good.

DAY ONE: THE STARTING STATS

Current Weight
Your weight is 125.4 lb as of 04/06/2007.

Weight Goal
Your goal is to weigh 115  lb by 05/18/2007

Goal Progress
You are currently 10.4  lb above the target weight.

The deadline for your goal is 42 days (6 weeks, 0 days) away.

To meet your goal you need to lose about 1.73 lb per week.



Thinking of starting at about 800 cals a day + exercise (at least an hour a day of... something I haven't decided yet). I was gonna start at 1000, but that number freaks me the fuck out, so 800 will have to do.

I think I can lose 10 lbs in six weeks. I've previously lost as much as 13 or 14 lbs in a month, so 10 lbs in six weeks... well, I guess we'll have to see, but I really want to try for that.

DISCLAIMER: If it disturbs you to hear me talking like this, because I was just supposedly in recovery or whatever, you can feel free to stop reading. Not that you weren't always free to stop reading anyway, but... I just wanted to say that I won't be offended if you decide to do that.

Who's a fatass? I'm a fatass!

Soooo guess who (if my scale isn't wrong) apparently gained 15 lbs in five weeks?

Yes, that would be ME!!!

Oh my fucking god. There's no way in hell I'm not going to restrict and exercise and lose weight again if that's true. I CANNOT live with a weight that large.

U L00Z, FATASS. LOLOLOL

:|

I'm coming hoooome. :D. It might take a few days to get arrangements made and then to do the actual travelling, but I am coming home, and soon!

So what I'm really trying to say is... you might be hearing from me more within the near future! ^________^ 

Five weeks tomorrow. Wow. It feels like the time has just flown by.

The scary part? I am still not entirely sure if I want recovery. That will have to be seen when I get back into the "real world". That's when I'll truly decide, I think, whether recovery will be a permanent part of my life, or if I will have other priorities.

In the meantime, here is something interesting which we were given in the program by the dietician as a description of healthy eating. Feel free to comment about it, if you wish.

++++++++++

Ellyn Satter, a specialist on childhood feeding and eating disorders, offers the following definition on normal eating:

"Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -- not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad, or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times; feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food, and your feelings."